burnin' like a candle...

For me, one of the hugest ways that God speaks to me is through music. Not just praise and worship music, but a lot of times through music that isn't necessarily intended to be about Him. Most recently I've seen Him in "Candle (Sick and Tired)" by the White Tie Affair.

"I took a ride on a February morning,
just getting over it and dealing with the mourning,
I started thinking out loud,
'I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired...'"

Those words caught my ears. Sick and tired of being sick and tired... that's exactly how I was feeling. Who doesn't feel that way? With the daily grind of life... everything. Sick and tired of being sick and tired.

"My baby's flyin' off the edge of the road,
She's sayin', 'I'm so sorry about that note
that left me all alone...
But I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired'"

Isn't that how we feel sometimes?? When we're so sick and tired of everything, we just want to run away. Leave a note to everyone in our lives and just take off. I'd be lying if I said I haven't felt that way. Even recently. With feeling so drained and tired and not wanting to be doing what I am doing everyday (even though everything else in my life is going great) part of me just wanted to run. To get away from this mess of a "job" and escape it. Write a note to my loved ones and take off.

"Somebody turn the lights on, somebody tell me what's wrong
I'd be lying if I told you losing you was something I could handle
Somebody turn the lights on, somebody tell me how long
all this darkness will surround you, 'cause I'm burnin' for you
Burnin' like a candle..."

Those lines... the first one made me stop driving. Not only did I realize that I have an amazing man in my life who would indeed feel this way if I left, I also thought to myself... that leaving would mean abandoning what God has planned for me. And God loves me with an unfathomable, unconditional love... does He feel this way about me too??
The second one made my heart stop for a second. The man in my life is incredibly patient with me. He loves me and is seeing me through this difficult time that I'm in right now... But I know he's gotta be thinking this (or at least he has to have thought it at some point...) And I KNOW without a doubt that my God feels this way about me all the time. "I know this darkness is all around you right now, but I'm burning for YOU... I'm your light in the darkness..."

"Seven days since I've seen your face,
Seven nights I have laid to waste
I'm burnin' out now
I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired..."

Being away from the love of my life is sooo difficult. I know he feels this way about being away from me... so if my boyfriend feels that way about me... wouldn't God- the One who loves me deeper than I'll ever know- feel that way about being away from me, too? All those times when I push Him away or choose to spend my time doing other things... He's wasting away and burning out and sick and tired of being away from me....

"I know we're hanging at the end of the rope
We've flown too high, maybe swung too low
I heard her screamin' out loud
I heard her screamin' out loud..."

Times can be hard. Up and down. Too high. Too low. But my man is there with me, through it all. And he knows just when I'm feeling like it's too much to take. God fits that description as well, even moreso than the man in my life. Because He hears me whenever I cry out. He knows every tear I've ever cried, He's counted them all (and if you know me at all, that means A LOT of them)

You think I'm kidding around that this song is about God and His relationship with us? Check out the bridge...

"Think
of all the things that you say
what are the things that you mean?
what are the things that you say to me?
'cause
you're a tragedy
a queen for his majesty
all this blasphemy
your kingdom is crumbling..."

We're all a tragedy in God's eyes. Because we don't love Him the way He created us to.
But He's also the King of Kings. And we are the Bride of Christ. A queen for His Majesty. He makes us perfect to be united with Him through the death of Jesus Christ on the cross.
Blasphemy can be defined as "irreverent behavior toward anything held sacred, priceless, etc." ("blasphemy." Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1). Random House, Inc. 19 Mar. 2009. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/blasphemy>.) In that light... a lot of the ways we live our lives (especially reckless running away from everything...) is considered blasphemy. A lot of the worldly stuff we get ourselves tangled in... the sin... it's all blasphemy...
Any "kingdom" we create for ourselves falls apart when we come to know God and His kingdom- the everlasting one- that all those who love Him will get to be a part of someday...

questions, questions...

This past week on the way to work... I was asking myself why I'm doing this.

Why am I here? Why am I coming back to high school when it wasn't the greatest experience for me? Why?

I see so many kids that just break my heart. Mostly girls. I can see the insecurity in their eyes. I can see those ones that are looking to guys to give them worth and feel like they're something special. I can spot them so easy and it breaks my heart... because that used to be me. I want to show them that they don't have to do that, that they are worth something...

by teaching them Spanish?

...something doesn't sit right about that with me...

That's because the One thing that will give them worth... I can't talk to them about. That's why I don't think this is for me. Yes, being able to speak another language is an amazing skill and I think everyone should speak at least two languages... but whether they can speak Spanish or not isn't going to save their souls. It's not going to give them rest. It's not going to give them purpose. It's not going to restore them. No.

Lo que pasa es que... sólo Dios puede salvar y dar luz... yo, no... ni la capacidad de hablar otro idioma.

y te pregunto otra vez, Señor.... ¿por qué estoy aquí?

the weight of sin

"Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear and the burden I give you is light..." --Jesus, Matthew 11:29-30

Sin is an guly, massive weight to carry. Though we don't realize it while we're carrying it. The enemy tricks us into thinking only about ourselves, just for a moment... and when that sin goes unconfessed and unrepented of, well... it makes is easier for us to indulge in more selfish feelings and thoughts. Those thoughts turn to actions. The longer we go without dealing with it, the more it grows and the heavier it gets. We don't realize how heavy it is anymore. We don't want to let it go because the enemy has also tricked us into thinking that if we confess it, that will make things worse. So this big sin mess manifests and we're dragging around all this weight. And it's holding us back from living fully for God. From living in the freedom that comes from our faith in Jesus Christ.
I had forgotten what it was like to live and walk in that freedom. Until God worked miracles in my stubborn, selfish heart and brought me back to Him. I finally laid all the ugliness that has been in my heart the last few months out on the table. It wasn't until I did that... that I again felt that freedom that God brings through faith in His son.
So indescribably amazing.
Hallelujah.

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." --Galatians 5:1

somewhere in-between

would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in?
don't be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again
I don't wanna run away from this...

this is a more personal blog, where i wrestle through things going on in my head and in my life. i have been a little bit on my other blog, but that's more for teaching.

this is for my life. well... the rest of it.

making this has been on my mind for a while now, but i didn't know what to call it. then i got inspired by a series going on at my church right now- exploring the names of God and what that means in this unique time in history- the in-between.

more to come...

if i fail, well then, i fail, but at least i gave you something...

Oh, failure...

I'm not saying that I am one, but I definitely felt like one today. My head was definitely not in the game as far as teaching today. My heart was wrapped up in the ugliness of sin issues I have been stuck in. Wrestling with my thoughts. Not focused on teaching. Not really caring. Fumbling over my words.
Then I realized I wasn't giving them enough time. So I had to change things around, rearrange things a bit.... to give them more time. Then trying to figure out what I was going to do with them on the extra days and how it was all going to work.... overwhelmed. Trying to put together a worksheet last minute.... overwhelmed.

These thoughts of failure and this mess I'm concerned with... they are jailing. And it is for FREEDOM that Christ has set us free. (Galatians 5:1)
I am not a failure.
I am free.
Nothing is too big for my God.