Ever since becoming a Christian, I've had an affinity for the song "The Beautiful Letdown" by Switchfoot. Everything about that song and the lyrics remind me of how I felt when I first decided to follow Jesus. And I feel like everything in my life since has been just that.

A beautiful letdown. 

And definitely in the best way possible. It's a letdown because it's not at all what I thought it would be. But it's beautiful because it's everything that God planned for it to be- and THAT is so much more than anything I could have asked for or imagined.

I'll probably be writing about that from time to time here...

por el fuego será revelada...

Right now I'm doing a bible study called Becoming a Woman of Freedom, one that I did almost 4 years ago now with a good friend. Part of why I am doing it is because I know I need to be getting in the Word, which is something that I have sucked at, pretty much ever since I graduated college. The other part of it is because I feel like, probably due to the fact that I have sucked at being in the Word, I am trapped and stuck inside of myself, stuck inside all of these bad habits that I have developed and I just want to be FREE of them, and free to be the woman that God created me to be...

Whenever I think about this study and what I'm learning, I hear the song, "Free" by Shawn McDonald (which I am conveniently listening to now).

Anyway, this chapter I'm working through this week is about being free from busyness. I wouldn't necessarily say that I am "busy" a lot, but I definitely fill my time and my day with things that probably not really good for anything. This was brought to my attention by scripture from 1 Corinthians 3:

Because of God’s grace to me, I have laid the foundation like an expert builder. Now others are building on it. But whoever is building on this foundation must be very careful. For no one can lay any foundation other than the one we already have—Jesus Christ.

 Anyone who builds on that foundation may use a variety of materials—gold, silver, jewels, wood, hay, or straw. But on the judgment day, fire will reveal what kind of work each builder has done. The fire will show if a person’s work has any value. If the work survives, that builder will receive a reward. But if the work is burned up, the builder will suffer great loss. The builder will be saved, but like someone barely escaping through a wall of flames.
(vv. 10-15, New Living Translation)

With how I am spending my time, am I building with materials that will last? Or just fluff materials to make it look like I am building, but will be burned up in the flames? Why would I want to build my life and my days with things that will just barely allow me to get past the fire?

The problem is, I know I spend too much time on things that don't really matter. I'm trying desperately to cling to a life that's not mine, a life of what 'was,' because I'm so afraid that I will lose people I have grown to love if they aren't reminded of me often. But in doing so, I know I'm not doing my best to honor God with this opportunity he has blessed me with. And I know that I am missing out on this new life He has blessed me with.

I just want to be free. And I want what I build here and with my life to LAST through the fire...