I feel like in everything we do, in a lot of our thought proceses, in the things we say, we only are making things more complicated. In fact, sometimes it seems like we strive to make things more complicated than they are.
And we are such control freaks that we can't trust others to do their job for themselves. We want to do it to make sure that it gets done. Because if we're not in control, well then the whole world might crumble in an instant.
So what do we do with this conundrum? How do we un-complicate ourselves and relieve ourselves of the control we cling to?
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
más que se puede ver...
They always say that there is more than meets the eye.
Today, I got to see that in one of my students. See, there's this kid who has taken the class once last year and failed it. In my head, I wrote him off as a delinquent kid who doesn't care about school. So have a lot of the other teachers; no good attitude about him, strict...
It was so frustrating to me because this kid is SO bright. He knew all the right answers for the exam review. He knew all of the symbolism behind the novel. He is a smart kid.
Today, I got to hear a little of this kid's story. He failed the class last year because he skipped about 60 days last year. He skipped all those days because he was high all the time. His parents found out and called the cops on him. He then spent some time incarcerated.
That's why he is re-taking the class.
Hay más que se puede ver.
Today, I got to see that in one of my students. See, there's this kid who has taken the class once last year and failed it. In my head, I wrote him off as a delinquent kid who doesn't care about school. So have a lot of the other teachers; no good attitude about him, strict...
It was so frustrating to me because this kid is SO bright. He knew all the right answers for the exam review. He knew all of the symbolism behind the novel. He is a smart kid.
Today, I got to hear a little of this kid's story. He failed the class last year because he skipped about 60 days last year. He skipped all those days because he was high all the time. His parents found out and called the cops on him. He then spent some time incarcerated.
That's why he is re-taking the class.
Hay más que se puede ver.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
my hope has come
As Jesus was walking along, he saw a man who had been blind from birth. “Rabbi,” his disciples asked him, “why was this man born blind? Was it because of his own sins or his parents’ sins?” “It was not because of his sins or his parents’ sins,” Jesus answered. “This happened so the power of God could be seen in him...
Then he spit on the ground, made mud with the saliva, and spread the mud over the blind man’s eyes. He told him, “Go wash yourself in the pool of Siloam” (Siloam means “sent”). So the man went and washed and came back seeing!
(John 9: 1-3,6-7)
I can't even imagine that, being born blind- never seeing anything- and then God blessing me with being able to see. How would that feel? Knowing (after the fact, of course) that I was born blind SO THAT God can glorify Himself in giving me SIGHT...
His neighbors and others who knew him as a blind beggar asked each other, “Isn’t this the man who used to sit and beg?” Some said he was, and others said, “No, he just looks like him!”
But the beggar kept saying, “Yes, I am the same one!”
They asked, “Who healed you? What happened?”
He told them, “The man they call Jesus made mud and spread it over my eyes and told me, ‘Go to the pool of Siloam and wash yourself.’ So I went and washed, and now I can see!”
(John 9: 8-11)
People didn't even know who he was. His blindness defined who he was. God took that defining characteristic away to give glory to His name. And some people didn't want to believe that God could to amazing things like that.
...“He put the mud over my eyes, and when I washed it away, I could see!” (John 9:15)
I'm sure that statement to so many people sounded ludicrous. And the truth is, it still does. God still gives sight to the blind, opens the ears of the deaf, a voice to the mute... He heals lepers and makes the lame able to walk again... He sets the captives free! It just doesn't look the same all the time. And so many people don't know that they're slaves...
But as for me, I know this for sure about my God:
You break through my deafness, swing open the curtain, and I find the courage to get up and walk. I forget my weakness, for you've answered my lonliness.
Through the mud on my eyes, I can see- my hope has come!
Then he spit on the ground, made mud with the saliva, and spread the mud over the blind man’s eyes. He told him, “Go wash yourself in the pool of Siloam” (Siloam means “sent”). So the man went and washed and came back seeing!
(John 9: 1-3,6-7)
I can't even imagine that, being born blind- never seeing anything- and then God blessing me with being able to see. How would that feel? Knowing (after the fact, of course) that I was born blind SO THAT God can glorify Himself in giving me SIGHT...
His neighbors and others who knew him as a blind beggar asked each other, “Isn’t this the man who used to sit and beg?” Some said he was, and others said, “No, he just looks like him!”
But the beggar kept saying, “Yes, I am the same one!”
They asked, “Who healed you? What happened?”
He told them, “The man they call Jesus made mud and spread it over my eyes and told me, ‘Go to the pool of Siloam and wash yourself.’ So I went and washed, and now I can see!”
(John 9: 8-11)
People didn't even know who he was. His blindness defined who he was. God took that defining characteristic away to give glory to His name. And some people didn't want to believe that God could to amazing things like that.
...“He put the mud over my eyes, and when I washed it away, I could see!” (John 9:15)
I'm sure that statement to so many people sounded ludicrous. And the truth is, it still does. God still gives sight to the blind, opens the ears of the deaf, a voice to the mute... He heals lepers and makes the lame able to walk again... He sets the captives free! It just doesn't look the same all the time. And so many people don't know that they're slaves...
But as for me, I know this for sure about my God:
You break through my deafness, swing open the curtain, and I find the courage to get up and walk. I forget my weakness, for you've answered my lonliness.
Through the mud on my eyes, I can see- my hope has come!
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
devuélveme el aire
Words escape me. They really do.
I feel like I wake up every morning and just continue to "be" without much purpose. without much passion. without much excitement. I just go through the motions of my day.
And I hate it.
I don't want to, because I know God's blessed me in so many ways, but I do. Yes, I am getting married. But that's something in the future. Not in the here and now. I feel like everything I want in life is in the future and not in the present. And I'm not quite sure how to get there, to the future, and it's frustrating me. Frustrating to the point where I feel like I'm being suffocated. No, I'm not at all having doubts. I absolutely want to marry Ian Edwards Mattoon. He's the man of my dreams and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him. That's never been a question.
The question is, where do we go next? as in, after the marriage ceremony and we are starting life together as one. The air I'm breathing here is stagnant, stale, and unbearable. So unless this air gets freshened up, I don't know how much longer I'll be able to breathe... vida... devuélveme el aire...
I feel like I wake up every morning and just continue to "be" without much purpose. without much passion. without much excitement. I just go through the motions of my day.
And I hate it.
I don't want to, because I know God's blessed me in so many ways, but I do. Yes, I am getting married. But that's something in the future. Not in the here and now. I feel like everything I want in life is in the future and not in the present. And I'm not quite sure how to get there, to the future, and it's frustrating me. Frustrating to the point where I feel like I'm being suffocated. No, I'm not at all having doubts. I absolutely want to marry Ian Edwards Mattoon. He's the man of my dreams and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him. That's never been a question.
The question is, where do we go next? as in, after the marriage ceremony and we are starting life together as one. The air I'm breathing here is stagnant, stale, and unbearable. So unless this air gets freshened up, I don't know how much longer I'll be able to breathe... vida... devuélveme el aire...
Monday, November 9, 2009
lo que quiero decir
Since last night, every time I swallow I've felt this awful lump in my throat.
Like I have something difficult to say and I'm trying to get up the courage to say it.
Or I can sense something bad is about to happen and my throat is closing up.
Or like I'm trying to hold back tears.
It just feels like something's got a hold on my throat, like it's trying to choke out my words or keep me from swallowing...
Sometimes it hurts a little. Other times it just feels constricting.
Hopefully, this will be a place that I can work through some of the thoughts in my head- though I haven't been very good with that lately... I just need something new. Something different.
Hopefully...
Hope.
Like I have something difficult to say and I'm trying to get up the courage to say it.
Or I can sense something bad is about to happen and my throat is closing up.
Or like I'm trying to hold back tears.
It just feels like something's got a hold on my throat, like it's trying to choke out my words or keep me from swallowing...
Sometimes it hurts a little. Other times it just feels constricting.
Hopefully, this will be a place that I can work through some of the thoughts in my head- though I haven't been very good with that lately... I just need something new. Something different.
Hopefully...
Hope.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
nobody likes you when you're 23...
Exhausted, overwhelmed, in desperate need of caffeine... I never had any idea I would feel this way at 23. It's not really an age you ever think about being when you're growing up. It's kind of one of those "in-between" years that you forget about. 'Cause nothing cool happens when you're 23.
Actually, for me (and my fiance) that is false. We will be getting married at 23.
So now that I am another year older and another year (hopefully) wiser, what have I learned in the last 365ish days?
Right now, I never would have imagined that I would be where I am right now. I never thought that I would be living in Lansing, substitute teaching, planning a wedding... Those are all awesome things, just not what I had ever thought I would be doing right now.
God is definitely refining my thoughts on what it looks like to live with reckless abandon for Him. How I'm doing that now is nothing like I thought it would be when I spoke about it at Real Life two years ago. He is, however, continuing to show me that the things that makes sense to the world aren't necessarily how we should be living. And that we need to continue clinging to Him. The moment we think we have everything figured out, He takes us for a loop- forcing us to cling tighter to Him than to our own understanding.
I feel like God is showing me over an over again how His plans for me are not the same as my plans for myself. That even the ways I think I should be using my gifts to serve Him are not the ways that best glorify Him. That all of these experiences I'm having right now are preparing me for something greater.
God's been teaching me a lot about love. (makes sense since I'm getting married and all...) Learning to communicate in love is one of the most difficult things and we rarely do it all the time. I'm learning what it's like to love selflessly- and how difficult that can be. Along with selfless love, I'm learning more and more about how to show grace and mercy- and the importance of forgiveness. Not just saying you forgive someone for wronging you, but truly not holding it again them when they do hurt you. It's hard. I'm not perfect at it and know I won't ever be this side of heaven.
In all of those things, I see how God is making me more and more into the woman who He created me to be. And I'm excited to see what this next year of life has in store.
Thank You, Lord.
Actually, for me (and my fiance) that is false. We will be getting married at 23.
So now that I am another year older and another year (hopefully) wiser, what have I learned in the last 365ish days?
Right now, I never would have imagined that I would be where I am right now. I never thought that I would be living in Lansing, substitute teaching, planning a wedding... Those are all awesome things, just not what I had ever thought I would be doing right now.
God is definitely refining my thoughts on what it looks like to live with reckless abandon for Him. How I'm doing that now is nothing like I thought it would be when I spoke about it at Real Life two years ago. He is, however, continuing to show me that the things that makes sense to the world aren't necessarily how we should be living. And that we need to continue clinging to Him. The moment we think we have everything figured out, He takes us for a loop- forcing us to cling tighter to Him than to our own understanding.
I feel like God is showing me over an over again how His plans for me are not the same as my plans for myself. That even the ways I think I should be using my gifts to serve Him are not the ways that best glorify Him. That all of these experiences I'm having right now are preparing me for something greater.
God's been teaching me a lot about love. (makes sense since I'm getting married and all...) Learning to communicate in love is one of the most difficult things and we rarely do it all the time. I'm learning what it's like to love selflessly- and how difficult that can be. Along with selfless love, I'm learning more and more about how to show grace and mercy- and the importance of forgiveness. Not just saying you forgive someone for wronging you, but truly not holding it again them when they do hurt you. It's hard. I'm not perfect at it and know I won't ever be this side of heaven.
In all of those things, I see how God is making me more and more into the woman who He created me to be. And I'm excited to see what this next year of life has in store.
Thank You, Lord.
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