Your love is shaking me, my heart is breaking free
Love has taken my heart away and gave it a home

-The Bridge Band

pesadilla de boda

I have had so many wedding nightmares, it's ridiculous. I'm a vivid dreamer as it is, so all of these dreams about things going wrong for the wedding sometimes seem real.

In the latest installment of my nightmares, I went to pick up my dress from the seamstress (which I will be doing on January 14th, by the way) she had made my dress into something different AGAIN (YES, I have already had a dream where she messed it up) only this time, she dyed it. Part of the dress were red and parts were blue and some of it was still white. (American Pride theme, anyone??) There was flowery embroidery on the bodice... it was just silly looking and there was NO resemblence to the actual dress. I was pissed and freaking out because now I would have to go around to a bunch of stores and buy something off the rack because nothing would get here in time. And I was so mad that the dress wouldn't be what I wanted or what I had pictured, not to mention worried that I wouldn't find ANYTHING. Just as we were leaving the shop to go on the dress search once again, I woke up.

At least this one made me laugh.

And yes, I have started writing them all down.

Favorite Christas Song

I heard this song for the first time last year at a church Christmas Eve service. I think it's so beautiful and fitting for the night before we celebrate the birth of Jesus.

I have traveled
Many moonless night
Cold and Weary
With a babe inside
And I wonder
What I've done
Holy Father
You have come
Chosen me now
To carry your son

I am waiting
in a silent prayer
I am frightened
by the load i bear
In a world as cold as stone
Must I walk this path alone
Be with me now
Be with me now
Breath of Heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of Heaven

Breath of Heaven
Lighten my darkness
Pour over me, your holiness
For you are holy, breath of Heaven
Do you wonder
As you watch my face
If a wiser one, should of had my place
But I offer-all I am
For the mercy-of your plan
Help me be strong
Help me be
Help me
Breath of Heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of Heaven

Breath of Heaven
Lighten my darkness
Pour over me, your holiness
For you are holy, breath of Heaven

convicción

As I was reading the book of Jonah this morning, I felt a strong conviction. In the last chapter of the story, Jonah is angry with God for changing his plans to destroy Nineveh. Because the people repented of their wayward ways and wanted to serve God, he decided not to destroy them and Jonah was PISSED. So he just sits at the top of a hill, waiting for what he thought God's plans were to happen. Jonah's reactions to God's will show that his heart is hard and he only wants to see what he thinks God's will should be.

I feel like this is how I have been for the last month. Whining and angry because my life is not what I always thought it should be. Not saying that everything in my life is bad. I'm going to be marrying my best friend in 92 days, which is amazing and I can't wait. But it's everything else that I've been having a hard time with. Ministry, job, friends... None of those things are what I always thought God had planned for me.

Instead of embracing what God has blessed me with now, I've just been sitting at the top of the hill, waiting for what I thought was God's will to magically start happening.

The book of Jonah abrubtly ends with a question from God and doesn't show Jonah processing through the lesson from God. And I think it's so that the reader will stop and process through it. Not everything in this story, or even the overall lesson that God taught Jonah, relates to me right now.

I just know I need to get off this hill.

Padre Santo, gracias por esta convicción. Por favor, ayúdame bajar esta cumbre. Quiero abrazar tu voluntad. Ayúdame.

Angry Conversations with God

I just finished reading a book with this title by Susan Isaacs. It's about a woman who takes God to couples therapy. I was a little wary at first, I didn't know if I could get into it.

But it was absolutely amazing. I only started reading it not even two weeks ago and I stayed up last night to finish it.

Sure, I can't relate to trying to be an actress and a Christian in a fallen world, but I could definitely relate to her processing. Going through hard times and figuring out who God really is and who we just make him out to be.

Amazing story. I would definitely recommend it.

Gentle & quiet? What does that even mean?!

To have a gentle and quiet spirit is to have a heart of faith; a heart that trusts in God, a spirit that has been quieted by His love and filled with His peace, not a heart that is striving and restless. -- John and Stasi Eldredge,  Captivating