How much has changed?

Most times I feel so much disdain when I think back to high school. I don't like that I feel that way, but I don't like the person who I was in high school. So insecure, unsure of myself. I never had a group, I never really fit in anywhere. It wasn't all a loss, I do have one really good friend that came out of it. But in general, it was not a good time for me. I don't have very many good memories. But it's all because of me. Because of the person who I was back then. Putting value on things that didn't matter and desperately seeking love from boys that just wanted sex. 

Sometimes I can't believe that person was me. I know God has changed me so much since then. Since that day I decided everything I had been living for before was not worth it and I wanted a life that was worth it. A life that's the only thing worth living for. I was filled with such confidence and joy. College was some of the best years of my life and they were that way because God was the center of them. 

And now, what? God has blessed my life in so many ways. I married the man of my dreams. I'm living in a Spanish-speaking country, like I always wanted to. We're serving God, loving people... Yet I find myself falling back into those insecure ways. Wanting to be a recluse. Not having much confidence in myself to interact with people and make friends. I could chalk it all up to the fact that this is just my personality. I find more security in being invited to do things than inviting myself or inviting new people. I'm shy, so... whatever. 

But I haven't always been that way. I haven't always been that way. I know that those things are not who I am in Christ. And since that's the truth... I can't keep being this way. I can't. I cannot remain the same, knowing how God has changed me. 

Fear of the unknown

Why is it that the unknown is so scary? The things we can't see, looming in the future... 

Part of it probably has to do with the fact that we want to be in control. But how can we control what we don't know and what we can't see? That is where being in control and the unknown are at odds. 

Me, I'm not exactly a person that can easily roll with the punches. I take a lot of comfort in knowing the plan, the back-up plan, and the back-up for the back-up plan. (Notice how I said, "knowing" not necessarily planning...) That being said, this whole living in a different country thing has been extremely difficult for me. Not knowing what to expect for most of our activities here has caused me a lot of unnecessary stress and anxiety... Or, I've caused myself those thing because of the not knowing what to expect. Even hearing the phrase, "expect the unexpected" I feel that prick of anxiety in my chest.

But why is it so hard for me to get over these tangible life things I cannot see when I, through faith (which is intangible), trust in a God, who I can't see, for my hope and my salvation?? Wouldn't that be even more scary than the other life stuff?

Actually, no. I may not have seen God with my own eyes, but I have seen the effects of him in the lives and places I've encountered. But, given this trust-in-what-I-can't-see faith I have, shouldn't that change the way I respond to the unknown that occurs in everyday life?

Why, yes. Yes it should. Because my initial reactions of stress and anxiety are proof that I am not trusting in that all-powerful God who I can't see, but trust with my soul. I'm only trusting in myself, what I can see, and not the One who has my back no matter what.

:: Dang it! I've been humbled again...