Most times I feel so much disdain when I think back to high school. I don't like that I feel that way, but I don't like the person who I was in high school. So insecure, unsure of myself. I never had a group, I never really fit in anywhere. It wasn't all a loss, I do have one really good friend that came out of it. But in general, it was not a good time for me. I don't have very many good memories. But it's all because of me. Because of the person who I was back then. Putting value on things that didn't matter and desperately seeking love from boys that just wanted sex.
Sometimes I can't believe that person was me. I know God has changed me so much since then. Since that day I decided everything I had been living for before was not worth it and I wanted a life that was worth it. A life that's the only thing worth living for. I was filled with such confidence and joy. College was some of the best years of my life and they were that way because God was the center of them.
And now, what? God has blessed my life in so many ways. I married the man of my dreams. I'm living in a Spanish-speaking country, like I always wanted to. We're serving God, loving people... Yet I find myself falling back into those insecure ways. Wanting to be a recluse. Not having much confidence in myself to interact with people and make friends. I could chalk it all up to the fact that this is just my personality. I find more security in being invited to do things than inviting myself or inviting new people. I'm shy, so... whatever.
But I haven't always been that way. I haven't always been that way. I know that those things are not who I am in Christ. And since that's the truth... I can't keep being this way. I can't. I cannot remain the same, knowing how God has changed me.
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