Your love is shaking me, my heart is breaking free
Love has taken my heart away and gave it a home
-The Bridge Band
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
pesadilla de boda
I have had so many wedding nightmares, it's ridiculous. I'm a vivid dreamer as it is, so all of these dreams about things going wrong for the wedding sometimes seem real.
In the latest installment of my nightmares, I went to pick up my dress from the seamstress (which I will be doing on January 14th, by the way) she had made my dress into something different AGAIN (YES, I have already had a dream where she messed it up) only this time, she dyed it. Part of the dress were red and parts were blue and some of it was still white. (American Pride theme, anyone??) There was flowery embroidery on the bodice... it was just silly looking and there was NO resemblence to the actual dress. I was pissed and freaking out because now I would have to go around to a bunch of stores and buy something off the rack because nothing would get here in time. And I was so mad that the dress wouldn't be what I wanted or what I had pictured, not to mention worried that I wouldn't find ANYTHING. Just as we were leaving the shop to go on the dress search once again, I woke up.
At least this one made me laugh.
And yes, I have started writing them all down.
In the latest installment of my nightmares, I went to pick up my dress from the seamstress (which I will be doing on January 14th, by the way) she had made my dress into something different AGAIN (YES, I have already had a dream where she messed it up) only this time, she dyed it. Part of the dress were red and parts were blue and some of it was still white. (American Pride theme, anyone??) There was flowery embroidery on the bodice... it was just silly looking and there was NO resemblence to the actual dress. I was pissed and freaking out because now I would have to go around to a bunch of stores and buy something off the rack because nothing would get here in time. And I was so mad that the dress wouldn't be what I wanted or what I had pictured, not to mention worried that I wouldn't find ANYTHING. Just as we were leaving the shop to go on the dress search once again, I woke up.
At least this one made me laugh.
And yes, I have started writing them all down.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Favorite Christas Song
I heard this song for the first time last year at a church Christmas Eve service. I think it's so beautiful and fitting for the night before we celebrate the birth of Jesus.
I have traveled
Many moonless night
Cold and Weary
With a babe inside
And I wonder
What I've done
Holy Father
You have come
Chosen me now
To carry your son
I am waiting
in a silent prayer
I am frightened
by the load i bear
In a world as cold as stone
Must I walk this path alone
Be with me now
Be with me now
Breath of Heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of Heaven
Breath of Heaven
Lighten my darkness
Pour over me, your holiness
For you are holy, breath of Heaven
Do you wonder
As you watch my face
If a wiser one, should of had my place
But I offer-all I am
For the mercy-of your plan
Help me be strong
Help me be
Help me
Breath of Heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of Heaven
Breath of Heaven
Lighten my darkness
Pour over me, your holiness
For you are holy, breath of Heaven
I have traveled
Many moonless night
Cold and Weary
With a babe inside
And I wonder
What I've done
Holy Father
You have come
Chosen me now
To carry your son
I am waiting
in a silent prayer
I am frightened
by the load i bear
In a world as cold as stone
Must I walk this path alone
Be with me now
Be with me now
Breath of Heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of Heaven
Breath of Heaven
Lighten my darkness
Pour over me, your holiness
For you are holy, breath of Heaven
Do you wonder
As you watch my face
If a wiser one, should of had my place
But I offer-all I am
For the mercy-of your plan
Help me be strong
Help me be
Help me
Breath of Heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of Heaven
Breath of Heaven
Lighten my darkness
Pour over me, your holiness
For you are holy, breath of Heaven
Friday, December 18, 2009
convicción
As I was reading the book of Jonah this morning, I felt a strong conviction. In the last chapter of the story, Jonah is angry with God for changing his plans to destroy Nineveh. Because the people repented of their wayward ways and wanted to serve God, he decided not to destroy them and Jonah was PISSED. So he just sits at the top of a hill, waiting for what he thought God's plans were to happen. Jonah's reactions to God's will show that his heart is hard and he only wants to see what he thinks God's will should be.
I feel like this is how I have been for the last month. Whining and angry because my life is not what I always thought it should be. Not saying that everything in my life is bad. I'm going to be marrying my best friend in 92 days, which is amazing and I can't wait. But it's everything else that I've been having a hard time with. Ministry, job, friends... None of those things are what I always thought God had planned for me.
Instead of embracing what God has blessed me with now, I've just been sitting at the top of the hill, waiting for what I thought was God's will to magically start happening.
The book of Jonah abrubtly ends with a question from God and doesn't show Jonah processing through the lesson from God. And I think it's so that the reader will stop and process through it. Not everything in this story, or even the overall lesson that God taught Jonah, relates to me right now.
I just know I need to get off this hill.
Padre Santo, gracias por esta convicción. Por favor, ayúdame bajar esta cumbre. Quiero abrazar tu voluntad. Ayúdame.
I feel like this is how I have been for the last month. Whining and angry because my life is not what I always thought it should be. Not saying that everything in my life is bad. I'm going to be marrying my best friend in 92 days, which is amazing and I can't wait. But it's everything else that I've been having a hard time with. Ministry, job, friends... None of those things are what I always thought God had planned for me.
Instead of embracing what God has blessed me with now, I've just been sitting at the top of the hill, waiting for what I thought was God's will to magically start happening.
The book of Jonah abrubtly ends with a question from God and doesn't show Jonah processing through the lesson from God. And I think it's so that the reader will stop and process through it. Not everything in this story, or even the overall lesson that God taught Jonah, relates to me right now.
I just know I need to get off this hill.
Padre Santo, gracias por esta convicción. Por favor, ayúdame bajar esta cumbre. Quiero abrazar tu voluntad. Ayúdame.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Angry Conversations with God
I just finished reading a book with this title by Susan Isaacs. It's about a woman who takes God to couples therapy. I was a little wary at first, I didn't know if I could get into it.
But it was absolutely amazing. I only started reading it not even two weeks ago and I stayed up last night to finish it.
Sure, I can't relate to trying to be an actress and a Christian in a fallen world, but I could definitely relate to her processing. Going through hard times and figuring out who God really is and who we just make him out to be.
Amazing story. I would definitely recommend it.
But it was absolutely amazing. I only started reading it not even two weeks ago and I stayed up last night to finish it.
Sure, I can't relate to trying to be an actress and a Christian in a fallen world, but I could definitely relate to her processing. Going through hard times and figuring out who God really is and who we just make him out to be.
Amazing story. I would definitely recommend it.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Gentle & quiet? What does that even mean?!
To have a gentle and quiet spirit is to have a heart of faith; a heart that trusts in God, a spirit that has been quieted by His love and filled with His peace, not a heart that is striving and restless. -- John and Stasi Eldredge, Captivating
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Complicated
I feel like in everything we do, in a lot of our thought proceses, in the things we say, we only are making things more complicated. In fact, sometimes it seems like we strive to make things more complicated than they are.
And we are such control freaks that we can't trust others to do their job for themselves. We want to do it to make sure that it gets done. Because if we're not in control, well then the whole world might crumble in an instant.
So what do we do with this conundrum? How do we un-complicate ourselves and relieve ourselves of the control we cling to?
And we are such control freaks that we can't trust others to do their job for themselves. We want to do it to make sure that it gets done. Because if we're not in control, well then the whole world might crumble in an instant.
So what do we do with this conundrum? How do we un-complicate ourselves and relieve ourselves of the control we cling to?
Thursday, November 19, 2009
más que se puede ver...
They always say that there is more than meets the eye.
Today, I got to see that in one of my students. See, there's this kid who has taken the class once last year and failed it. In my head, I wrote him off as a delinquent kid who doesn't care about school. So have a lot of the other teachers; no good attitude about him, strict...
It was so frustrating to me because this kid is SO bright. He knew all the right answers for the exam review. He knew all of the symbolism behind the novel. He is a smart kid.
Today, I got to hear a little of this kid's story. He failed the class last year because he skipped about 60 days last year. He skipped all those days because he was high all the time. His parents found out and called the cops on him. He then spent some time incarcerated.
That's why he is re-taking the class.
Hay más que se puede ver.
Today, I got to see that in one of my students. See, there's this kid who has taken the class once last year and failed it. In my head, I wrote him off as a delinquent kid who doesn't care about school. So have a lot of the other teachers; no good attitude about him, strict...
It was so frustrating to me because this kid is SO bright. He knew all the right answers for the exam review. He knew all of the symbolism behind the novel. He is a smart kid.
Today, I got to hear a little of this kid's story. He failed the class last year because he skipped about 60 days last year. He skipped all those days because he was high all the time. His parents found out and called the cops on him. He then spent some time incarcerated.
That's why he is re-taking the class.
Hay más que se puede ver.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
my hope has come
As Jesus was walking along, he saw a man who had been blind from birth. “Rabbi,” his disciples asked him, “why was this man born blind? Was it because of his own sins or his parents’ sins?” “It was not because of his sins or his parents’ sins,” Jesus answered. “This happened so the power of God could be seen in him...
Then he spit on the ground, made mud with the saliva, and spread the mud over the blind man’s eyes. He told him, “Go wash yourself in the pool of Siloam” (Siloam means “sent”). So the man went and washed and came back seeing!
(John 9: 1-3,6-7)
I can't even imagine that, being born blind- never seeing anything- and then God blessing me with being able to see. How would that feel? Knowing (after the fact, of course) that I was born blind SO THAT God can glorify Himself in giving me SIGHT...
His neighbors and others who knew him as a blind beggar asked each other, “Isn’t this the man who used to sit and beg?” Some said he was, and others said, “No, he just looks like him!”
But the beggar kept saying, “Yes, I am the same one!”
They asked, “Who healed you? What happened?”
He told them, “The man they call Jesus made mud and spread it over my eyes and told me, ‘Go to the pool of Siloam and wash yourself.’ So I went and washed, and now I can see!”
(John 9: 8-11)
People didn't even know who he was. His blindness defined who he was. God took that defining characteristic away to give glory to His name. And some people didn't want to believe that God could to amazing things like that.
...“He put the mud over my eyes, and when I washed it away, I could see!” (John 9:15)
I'm sure that statement to so many people sounded ludicrous. And the truth is, it still does. God still gives sight to the blind, opens the ears of the deaf, a voice to the mute... He heals lepers and makes the lame able to walk again... He sets the captives free! It just doesn't look the same all the time. And so many people don't know that they're slaves...
But as for me, I know this for sure about my God:
You break through my deafness, swing open the curtain, and I find the courage to get up and walk. I forget my weakness, for you've answered my lonliness.
Through the mud on my eyes, I can see- my hope has come!
Then he spit on the ground, made mud with the saliva, and spread the mud over the blind man’s eyes. He told him, “Go wash yourself in the pool of Siloam” (Siloam means “sent”). So the man went and washed and came back seeing!
(John 9: 1-3,6-7)
I can't even imagine that, being born blind- never seeing anything- and then God blessing me with being able to see. How would that feel? Knowing (after the fact, of course) that I was born blind SO THAT God can glorify Himself in giving me SIGHT...
His neighbors and others who knew him as a blind beggar asked each other, “Isn’t this the man who used to sit and beg?” Some said he was, and others said, “No, he just looks like him!”
But the beggar kept saying, “Yes, I am the same one!”
They asked, “Who healed you? What happened?”
He told them, “The man they call Jesus made mud and spread it over my eyes and told me, ‘Go to the pool of Siloam and wash yourself.’ So I went and washed, and now I can see!”
(John 9: 8-11)
People didn't even know who he was. His blindness defined who he was. God took that defining characteristic away to give glory to His name. And some people didn't want to believe that God could to amazing things like that.
...“He put the mud over my eyes, and when I washed it away, I could see!” (John 9:15)
I'm sure that statement to so many people sounded ludicrous. And the truth is, it still does. God still gives sight to the blind, opens the ears of the deaf, a voice to the mute... He heals lepers and makes the lame able to walk again... He sets the captives free! It just doesn't look the same all the time. And so many people don't know that they're slaves...
But as for me, I know this for sure about my God:
You break through my deafness, swing open the curtain, and I find the courage to get up and walk. I forget my weakness, for you've answered my lonliness.
Through the mud on my eyes, I can see- my hope has come!
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
devuélveme el aire
Words escape me. They really do.
I feel like I wake up every morning and just continue to "be" without much purpose. without much passion. without much excitement. I just go through the motions of my day.
And I hate it.
I don't want to, because I know God's blessed me in so many ways, but I do. Yes, I am getting married. But that's something in the future. Not in the here and now. I feel like everything I want in life is in the future and not in the present. And I'm not quite sure how to get there, to the future, and it's frustrating me. Frustrating to the point where I feel like I'm being suffocated. No, I'm not at all having doubts. I absolutely want to marry Ian Edwards Mattoon. He's the man of my dreams and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him. That's never been a question.
The question is, where do we go next? as in, after the marriage ceremony and we are starting life together as one. The air I'm breathing here is stagnant, stale, and unbearable. So unless this air gets freshened up, I don't know how much longer I'll be able to breathe... vida... devuélveme el aire...
I feel like I wake up every morning and just continue to "be" without much purpose. without much passion. without much excitement. I just go through the motions of my day.
And I hate it.
I don't want to, because I know God's blessed me in so many ways, but I do. Yes, I am getting married. But that's something in the future. Not in the here and now. I feel like everything I want in life is in the future and not in the present. And I'm not quite sure how to get there, to the future, and it's frustrating me. Frustrating to the point where I feel like I'm being suffocated. No, I'm not at all having doubts. I absolutely want to marry Ian Edwards Mattoon. He's the man of my dreams and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him. That's never been a question.
The question is, where do we go next? as in, after the marriage ceremony and we are starting life together as one. The air I'm breathing here is stagnant, stale, and unbearable. So unless this air gets freshened up, I don't know how much longer I'll be able to breathe... vida... devuélveme el aire...
Monday, November 9, 2009
lo que quiero decir
Since last night, every time I swallow I've felt this awful lump in my throat.
Like I have something difficult to say and I'm trying to get up the courage to say it.
Or I can sense something bad is about to happen and my throat is closing up.
Or like I'm trying to hold back tears.
It just feels like something's got a hold on my throat, like it's trying to choke out my words or keep me from swallowing...
Sometimes it hurts a little. Other times it just feels constricting.
Hopefully, this will be a place that I can work through some of the thoughts in my head- though I haven't been very good with that lately... I just need something new. Something different.
Hopefully...
Hope.
Like I have something difficult to say and I'm trying to get up the courage to say it.
Or I can sense something bad is about to happen and my throat is closing up.
Or like I'm trying to hold back tears.
It just feels like something's got a hold on my throat, like it's trying to choke out my words or keep me from swallowing...
Sometimes it hurts a little. Other times it just feels constricting.
Hopefully, this will be a place that I can work through some of the thoughts in my head- though I haven't been very good with that lately... I just need something new. Something different.
Hopefully...
Hope.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
nobody likes you when you're 23...
Exhausted, overwhelmed, in desperate need of caffeine... I never had any idea I would feel this way at 23. It's not really an age you ever think about being when you're growing up. It's kind of one of those "in-between" years that you forget about. 'Cause nothing cool happens when you're 23.
Actually, for me (and my fiance) that is false. We will be getting married at 23.
So now that I am another year older and another year (hopefully) wiser, what have I learned in the last 365ish days?
Right now, I never would have imagined that I would be where I am right now. I never thought that I would be living in Lansing, substitute teaching, planning a wedding... Those are all awesome things, just not what I had ever thought I would be doing right now.
God is definitely refining my thoughts on what it looks like to live with reckless abandon for Him. How I'm doing that now is nothing like I thought it would be when I spoke about it at Real Life two years ago. He is, however, continuing to show me that the things that makes sense to the world aren't necessarily how we should be living. And that we need to continue clinging to Him. The moment we think we have everything figured out, He takes us for a loop- forcing us to cling tighter to Him than to our own understanding.
I feel like God is showing me over an over again how His plans for me are not the same as my plans for myself. That even the ways I think I should be using my gifts to serve Him are not the ways that best glorify Him. That all of these experiences I'm having right now are preparing me for something greater.
God's been teaching me a lot about love. (makes sense since I'm getting married and all...) Learning to communicate in love is one of the most difficult things and we rarely do it all the time. I'm learning what it's like to love selflessly- and how difficult that can be. Along with selfless love, I'm learning more and more about how to show grace and mercy- and the importance of forgiveness. Not just saying you forgive someone for wronging you, but truly not holding it again them when they do hurt you. It's hard. I'm not perfect at it and know I won't ever be this side of heaven.
In all of those things, I see how God is making me more and more into the woman who He created me to be. And I'm excited to see what this next year of life has in store.
Thank You, Lord.
Actually, for me (and my fiance) that is false. We will be getting married at 23.
So now that I am another year older and another year (hopefully) wiser, what have I learned in the last 365ish days?
Right now, I never would have imagined that I would be where I am right now. I never thought that I would be living in Lansing, substitute teaching, planning a wedding... Those are all awesome things, just not what I had ever thought I would be doing right now.
God is definitely refining my thoughts on what it looks like to live with reckless abandon for Him. How I'm doing that now is nothing like I thought it would be when I spoke about it at Real Life two years ago. He is, however, continuing to show me that the things that makes sense to the world aren't necessarily how we should be living. And that we need to continue clinging to Him. The moment we think we have everything figured out, He takes us for a loop- forcing us to cling tighter to Him than to our own understanding.
I feel like God is showing me over an over again how His plans for me are not the same as my plans for myself. That even the ways I think I should be using my gifts to serve Him are not the ways that best glorify Him. That all of these experiences I'm having right now are preparing me for something greater.
God's been teaching me a lot about love. (makes sense since I'm getting married and all...) Learning to communicate in love is one of the most difficult things and we rarely do it all the time. I'm learning what it's like to love selflessly- and how difficult that can be. Along with selfless love, I'm learning more and more about how to show grace and mercy- and the importance of forgiveness. Not just saying you forgive someone for wronging you, but truly not holding it again them when they do hurt you. It's hard. I'm not perfect at it and know I won't ever be this side of heaven.
In all of those things, I see how God is making me more and more into the woman who He created me to be. And I'm excited to see what this next year of life has in store.
Thank You, Lord.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
as of late...
I feel like this song off of paramore's new album has been the story of my life lately...
it's called "turn it off"
Not that everything has been bad. I mean, work last week was pretty awful... but for the last few weeks I've really been struggling with destructive thoughts.
Not horrible things by any means, just things that I know wouldn't be good for me.
Getting pierced.
Getting another tattoo.
Smoking.
All things I have turned to at one point or another when I have felt like my life is out of control and don't know how to handle it.
Temporary releases.
That are fake solutions to the real issue... My only peace and security and comfort is found in Christ. When I turn to anything else, it only leaves me emptier than I was before.
Fill me up with You, Lord...
it's called "turn it off"
Not that everything has been bad. I mean, work last week was pretty awful... but for the last few weeks I've really been struggling with destructive thoughts.
Not horrible things by any means, just things that I know wouldn't be good for me.
Getting pierced.
Getting another tattoo.
Smoking.
All things I have turned to at one point or another when I have felt like my life is out of control and don't know how to handle it.
Temporary releases.
That are fake solutions to the real issue... My only peace and security and comfort is found in Christ. When I turn to anything else, it only leaves me emptier than I was before.
Fill me up with You, Lord...
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
recent struggles
I feel like I'm absolutely awful at updating these days. It's not that I don't have things on my heart and on my mind... I just have a lack of motivation to put things down.
Aside from wedding planning/nightmares (I'll post on those another time...), I've been really struggling with where my life is right now.
Don't misunderstand me... I'm by no means saying that I don't like my life right now, not at all. I love being engaged and planning my life with my future husband. I've just been having a hard time because my life right now is nothing like I expected it to be at this point two years ago. Because of that, I kind of don't know what to do with myself.
The passions and desires I have (missions, going abroad, etc.) are not something that can happen right now. I know they will eventually, but not right now. Having a full-time position at a school is not something I can have right now either, and I'm not sure if it's something I've ever really wanted... So I feel like I'm in this new, weird place trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, what I like to do...
It's very strange, but I know God has a reason for this... and that through it, he is preparing me for other things he has in store. Things that are infinitely more than I could ever ask or imagine.
Aside from wedding planning/nightmares (I'll post on those another time...), I've been really struggling with where my life is right now.
Don't misunderstand me... I'm by no means saying that I don't like my life right now, not at all. I love being engaged and planning my life with my future husband. I've just been having a hard time because my life right now is nothing like I expected it to be at this point two years ago. Because of that, I kind of don't know what to do with myself.
The passions and desires I have (missions, going abroad, etc.) are not something that can happen right now. I know they will eventually, but not right now. Having a full-time position at a school is not something I can have right now either, and I'm not sure if it's something I've ever really wanted... So I feel like I'm in this new, weird place trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, what I like to do...
It's very strange, but I know God has a reason for this... and that through it, he is preparing me for other things he has in store. Things that are infinitely more than I could ever ask or imagine.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
hanging by a moment
I was really struck today, thinking about my story, how I came to know the Lord... A big part of my story has to do with looking for REAL love in all of the wrong places. I remember hearing the song "Hanging By A Moment" by Lifehouse at the start of freshman year of high school and thinking, "Man, THAT'S what I want!"
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you
I always assumed that a person would make me feel that way. But it wasn't until many failed attempts at relationships and looking for love and identity in other people that I was left completely empty. That's when I started to seek out God. I found him and realized that the way I had been living my life was not worth it and I wanted to live for him. Shortly after, I got distracted again by a boy before I could really find my identity in Christ.
Eventually, I got on the right path, by myself, with God and was more aware of his love for me than I had ever imagined I would be. It was then, in early 2007 that I was listening to the song again and realized... this is how I should feel about God! This song isn't about a relationship with a person at all... it's about a relationship with the all-powerful, all-knowing, Creator of the Universe.
What if we all could just know that? What if we all could just feel that? Can't we just...
Desperate for changing, starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started while chasing after you
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
Forgetting all I'm lacking, completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation, you take all of me now
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you
There's nothing else to lose, there's nothing else to find
There's nothing in the world that can change my mind
There is nothing else
There is nothing else
There is nothing else
Desperate for changing, starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started while chasing after you
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you...
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you
I always assumed that a person would make me feel that way. But it wasn't until many failed attempts at relationships and looking for love and identity in other people that I was left completely empty. That's when I started to seek out God. I found him and realized that the way I had been living my life was not worth it and I wanted to live for him. Shortly after, I got distracted again by a boy before I could really find my identity in Christ.
Eventually, I got on the right path, by myself, with God and was more aware of his love for me than I had ever imagined I would be. It was then, in early 2007 that I was listening to the song again and realized... this is how I should feel about God! This song isn't about a relationship with a person at all... it's about a relationship with the all-powerful, all-knowing, Creator of the Universe.
What if we all could just know that? What if we all could just feel that? Can't we just...
Desperate for changing, starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started while chasing after you
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
Forgetting all I'm lacking, completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation, you take all of me now
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you
There's nothing else to lose, there's nothing else to find
There's nothing in the world that can change my mind
There is nothing else
There is nothing else
There is nothing else
Desperate for changing, starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started while chasing after you
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you...
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
overwhelmed
o·ver·whelm (ō'vər-hwělm', -wělm')
tr.v. o·ver·whelmed, o·ver·whelm·ing, o·ver·whelms
1. To surge over and submerge; engulf
2. To affect deeply in mind or emotion
3. To present with an excessive amount
4. To turn over; upset
"overwhelmed." The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Houghton Mifflin Company, 2004. 08 Sep. 2009.http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/overwhelmed>.
This seems to be quite descriptive of my life right now. I just feel very overwhelmed by everything. I'm living in a new place, with new people who I don't know well yet. I don't really have a job (subbing should be picking up soon I hope) We're spending time with LOTS of new people who I'm just meeting for the first time. Everything is just all new. Everything.
Please don't misunderstand me. I'm by no means trying to complain. I know that I chose this path, that this is where God is leading me... just for right now, I feel so overwhelmed. By everything.
"From the end of the earth will I cry to You, when my heart is overwhelmed and fainting; lead me to the rock that is higher than I." Psalm 61:2
tr.v. o·ver·whelmed, o·ver·whelm·ing, o·ver·whelms
1. To surge over and submerge; engulf
2. To affect deeply in mind or emotion
3. To present with an excessive amount
4. To turn over; upset
"overwhelmed." The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Houghton Mifflin Company, 2004. 08 Sep. 2009.
This seems to be quite descriptive of my life right now. I just feel very overwhelmed by everything. I'm living in a new place, with new people who I don't know well yet. I don't really have a job (subbing should be picking up soon I hope) We're spending time with LOTS of new people who I'm just meeting for the first time. Everything is just all new. Everything.
Please don't misunderstand me. I'm by no means trying to complain. I know that I chose this path, that this is where God is leading me... just for right now, I feel so overwhelmed. By everything.
"From the end of the earth will I cry to You, when my heart is overwhelmed and fainting; lead me to the rock that is higher than I." Psalm 61:2
Thursday, September 3, 2009
like Paul
I think what I have been experiencing lately may be similar to what Paul experienced when he surrendered his life to Christ. Letting go of everything that the world considered to be important and following where God was leading him. Sounds great, doesn't it?
What we forget about that decision is that it is radical. Meaning that the world doesn't understand it and, therefore, persecution and ridicule follows.
Because I am choosing the path that I know God is laying out for me, which is not at all what anyone would call safe and secure by looking at it, I am being persecuted for my decision. I know being in the center of God's will is the safest place to be and this is absolutely where I want to be...
I just didn't anticipate that wanting to live with reckless faith would be like this. But I suppose that's how it always works out, huh? Not like we ever expected....
What we forget about that decision is that it is radical. Meaning that the world doesn't understand it and, therefore, persecution and ridicule follows.
Because I am choosing the path that I know God is laying out for me, which is not at all what anyone would call safe and secure by looking at it, I am being persecuted for my decision. I know being in the center of God's will is the safest place to be and this is absolutely where I want to be...
I just didn't anticipate that wanting to live with reckless faith would be like this. But I suppose that's how it always works out, huh? Not like we ever expected....
Thursday, August 27, 2009
decisions, decisions...
Today was a day of hard decisions.
I got offered two jobs. And I didn't take either of them.
Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I'm foolish. Maybe I made a mistake.
BUT one thing I know for sure is what the LORD has laid on my heart and where he's calling me. I know that God is calling me back to Lansing. I know that I am being called to dive in the ministry with Riverview. That's the one thing that has been missing from my life.
God has opened doors and provided a place for me to live in Lansing. He's opening doors for ministry there. Sure, those things would still be there if I decided to postpone my move for another 2 months...
But what about all those people Jesus called to follow who had other things they wanted to do first? Jesus' response to them was if they couldn't leave what they were doing and follow him, then they weren't worthy of being his followers.
Maybe I chose neither job because I'm being selfish.
Or... maybe I chose neither job because I'm being sacrificial and recklessly following my God where I know he's calling me and trusting him to provide for my needs.
I got offered two jobs. And I didn't take either of them.
Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I'm foolish. Maybe I made a mistake.
BUT one thing I know for sure is what the LORD has laid on my heart and where he's calling me. I know that God is calling me back to Lansing. I know that I am being called to dive in the ministry with Riverview. That's the one thing that has been missing from my life.
God has opened doors and provided a place for me to live in Lansing. He's opening doors for ministry there. Sure, those things would still be there if I decided to postpone my move for another 2 months...
But what about all those people Jesus called to follow who had other things they wanted to do first? Jesus' response to them was if they couldn't leave what they were doing and follow him, then they weren't worthy of being his followers.
Maybe I chose neither job because I'm being selfish.
Or... maybe I chose neither job because I'm being sacrificial and recklessly following my God where I know he's calling me and trusting him to provide for my needs.
Monday, August 17, 2009
answers to prayer
As God's children, we know God always hears our prayers. And we know that God longs to give us the desires of our heart. For me, God has been answering a lot of prayer in real ways lately.
God has provided a place for me to live in Lansing. There is a couple at our church who have opened their home to me and invited me to live with them until Ian and I get married in March. We have been praying for months that God would open some doors that would bring me back to Lansing. I've been dying to get more involved at Riverview and now that I have a place to live, I can get involved this fall.
God has opened the door for me to use my talents at church. I am in the process of planning a Spanish class to be taught at church for people who want/ are planning on going to Mexico to serve with Back2Back Ministries. I've already gotten a lot of positive feedback from people who have heard about the class and I'm really excited to be using my gifts of Spanish and teaching to serve God.
And now, FINALLY, God has provided a job interview. It's definitely not a for-sure deal by any means. I don't have a lot of experience in this area either, so getting this job would definitely be all God's work. I'm excited and nervous, but we'll see what God has in store. Even if this isn't the job God has, it's just awesome to see him answering prayer.
This all has got me thinking... if this is how God answers persistent prayers that I can see... how much is he or would he answer the persistent prayers that I can't see??
It makes me want to be more persistent in praying for things that I may never get to see the fruit of... because that isn't what it's really about. It's about seeking and petitioning the Lord, praying his will, and trusting him with the results.
God has provided a place for me to live in Lansing. There is a couple at our church who have opened their home to me and invited me to live with them until Ian and I get married in March. We have been praying for months that God would open some doors that would bring me back to Lansing. I've been dying to get more involved at Riverview and now that I have a place to live, I can get involved this fall.
God has opened the door for me to use my talents at church. I am in the process of planning a Spanish class to be taught at church for people who want/ are planning on going to Mexico to serve with Back2Back Ministries. I've already gotten a lot of positive feedback from people who have heard about the class and I'm really excited to be using my gifts of Spanish and teaching to serve God.
And now, FINALLY, God has provided a job interview. It's definitely not a for-sure deal by any means. I don't have a lot of experience in this area either, so getting this job would definitely be all God's work. I'm excited and nervous, but we'll see what God has in store. Even if this isn't the job God has, it's just awesome to see him answering prayer.
This all has got me thinking... if this is how God answers persistent prayers that I can see... how much is he or would he answer the persistent prayers that I can't see??
It makes me want to be more persistent in praying for things that I may never get to see the fruit of... because that isn't what it's really about. It's about seeking and petitioning the Lord, praying his will, and trusting him with the results.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
until only love remains
for the first time in a long time, i've had a song that seemed to scream out the desires of my heart. if you don't connect to music the way that i do, you probably have no idea what i'm talking about. i'll try to describe it for you, though i don't know if you'll get it...
it's a strong sense of connection with the words in the song... like you feel exactly what is being sung. you feel the strings of your heart being pulled, drawing you closer and closer to the artist's words. it kind of makes you want to cry. you can't help but belt out the words, because you feel it deep in your soul.
this song for me right now is "only love remains" by jj heller
scenes of you come rushing through, you are breaking me down
so break me into pieces that will grow in the ground
i know that i deserve to die for the murder in my heart
so be gentle with me, Jesus, as you tear me apart
please, kill the liar, kill the thief in me
you know that i am tired of their cruelty
breathe into my spirit, breathe into my veins
until only love remains
you burn away the ropes that bind and hold me to the earth
the fire only leaves behind whatever is of worth
i begin to see reality for the first time in my life
i know that i'm a shadow but i'm dancing in your light
teach me to be humble, call me from the grave
show me how to walk with you upon the waves
and breathe into my spirit, breathe into my veins
until only love remains
teach me to be humble, call me from the grave
show me how to walk with you upon the waves
and breathe into my spirit, breathe into my veins
until only love remains...
if you haven't heard the song before, you should check it out.
it's a strong sense of connection with the words in the song... like you feel exactly what is being sung. you feel the strings of your heart being pulled, drawing you closer and closer to the artist's words. it kind of makes you want to cry. you can't help but belt out the words, because you feel it deep in your soul.
this song for me right now is "only love remains" by jj heller
scenes of you come rushing through, you are breaking me down
so break me into pieces that will grow in the ground
i know that i deserve to die for the murder in my heart
so be gentle with me, Jesus, as you tear me apart
please, kill the liar, kill the thief in me
you know that i am tired of their cruelty
breathe into my spirit, breathe into my veins
until only love remains
you burn away the ropes that bind and hold me to the earth
the fire only leaves behind whatever is of worth
i begin to see reality for the first time in my life
i know that i'm a shadow but i'm dancing in your light
teach me to be humble, call me from the grave
show me how to walk with you upon the waves
and breathe into my spirit, breathe into my veins
until only love remains
teach me to be humble, call me from the grave
show me how to walk with you upon the waves
and breathe into my spirit, breathe into my veins
until only love remains...
if you haven't heard the song before, you should check it out.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
mosaic
1. ...LEONARDO'S SMILING ROSE TO MONA LISA..., 2. Sushi, 3. frog invasion, 4. Cookie splash! v6, 5. "Walking on the ocean" Los Roques Venezuela National Park Los Roques Los Roques archipelago Venezuela Snorkeling Scuba Diving Travel/ Reisen/Voyager/Viaggiare/Viajar South America America del Sur Atoll Aquatic Caribbean Sea, 6. Cd Art (700+ faves) :-), 7. Feed the hungry, 8. good friday, 9. Sassy
a. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search (http://www.flickr.com/)
b. Using only the first page, pick an image.
c. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into fd’s Mosaic Maker (http://bighugelabs.com/flickr/mosaic.php)
d. Save the image and post it on a note!
The Questions:
1. What is your first name?
2. What is your favorite food?
3. What is your favorite color?
4. Favorite drink?
5. Dream vacation?
6. Favorite Hobby?
7. What you want to be/do when you grow up?
8. What do you love most in life?
9. One word to describe you?
i stole this from jbrtva :)
Friday, July 17, 2009
to feel alive
Why is it that living in a foreign country, working hard, spending time with orphans, sweating, with no internet and wearing nothing more than t-shirts and shorts is more appealing than the comforts of middle-class suburban living?
Is it that I'm jaded by an overload of wealth that most of the world doesn't get to experience?
Or is it that I've been numbed for so long that the rawness of that type of environment is like a slap in the face?
Or maybe I've been so numbed by comfort that once I'm finally removed from it, I can feel alive?
Or maybe my heart was just made differently?
Maybe my heart was made to break for things that most people try to not think about?
Maybe I was made with a boldness to put myself out there and that is willing to let myself be affected by injustice?
Maybe I've been touched by LOVE in a way that only makes me want to reach out and pour out more than I ever thought possible?
Maybe that's why being there makes me feel alive...
and we need people who feel alive. People who are caught up in the latest trends and lost in the flow of busy everyday life don't change the world.
Sure, showing love to one orphan doesn't change the world... but it can change theirs. Their life being changed causes them to want to change the lives of others and the snowball effect happens. So many other lives are changed because of the one. THAT changes the world.
Who wouldn't want to be a part of that?
Is it that I'm jaded by an overload of wealth that most of the world doesn't get to experience?
Or is it that I've been numbed for so long that the rawness of that type of environment is like a slap in the face?
Or maybe I've been so numbed by comfort that once I'm finally removed from it, I can feel alive?
Or maybe my heart was just made differently?
Maybe my heart was made to break for things that most people try to not think about?
Maybe I was made with a boldness to put myself out there and that is willing to let myself be affected by injustice?
Maybe I've been touched by LOVE in a way that only makes me want to reach out and pour out more than I ever thought possible?
Maybe that's why being there makes me feel alive...
and we need people who feel alive. People who are caught up in the latest trends and lost in the flow of busy everyday life don't change the world.
Sure, showing love to one orphan doesn't change the world... but it can change theirs. Their life being changed causes them to want to change the lives of others and the snowball effect happens. So many other lives are changed because of the one. THAT changes the world.
Who wouldn't want to be a part of that?
Monday, July 13, 2009
Give me your eyes so I can see...
This is the view of the mountains from the Back2Back campus we stayed at in Monterrey. There's an equally beautiful set of them behind where I was standing as well. After a week of hard work and playing with kids, I am feeling exhausted and hungering for more. I felt more purpose in my life that week than I have in a long time. I'm still processing through a lot of things, and I am no where close to knowing what this experience means for me, but I know for sure that I will never be the same.Jamas seré igual.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
crave
This post is something I've had on my heart for a while. I finally feel like I have the words to explain it all.
The last series at my church was titled "CRAVE." The question Noel always used to ask toward of the sermons was, "What do you crave?" During the offering after the final week in the series, my fiance leaned over to me and jokingly asked, "So, what do you crave?" I couldn't tell if he was being serious because his tone led me to believe it was some-what mocking... just sighed and said, "A lot."
Which is true, unfortunately.
So I made a list. I crave:
-a job that pays money
-moving back to Lansing
-getting married
-watching ridiculous t.v. (a.k.a. numbing myself)
-clothes, shoes, things...
-being in full-time ministry
-being in full-time ministry overseas...
And why do we end up with all of these cravings?
It finally hit me.
I have been so idle- I haven't been filling myself up on the Word of God, on time with Him, on encouraging words and people who push me on in my relationship with Him. I've been leaving myself to starved and empty that of course I run to all of these other things to fill me and it just leaves me craving...
There are warnings all over Scripture against idleness- idle hands and idle words. Even the wife of noble character [Proverbs 31:10-31] does not eat the bread of idleness (and if I really want to be a good wife to my future husband someday, I'm not exactly headed in the right direction...)
So after my conclusion, and after discovering the true desires of my heart (obviously, not for the things I crave, but for my LORD and Savior to be my joy and my delight), I have been trying to be more intentional about what I am filling myself with. Filling myself with the Word and not endless hours on Facebook or watching Gossip Girl. (both completely fine things in moderation) Taking time out of my day for prayer instead of numbing myself with shopping for things that I don't need.
I'm working on it, but I've still got a long way to go.
"Do not love this world nor the things it offers you, for when you love the world, you do not have the love of the Father in you. For the world offers only a craving for physical pleasure, a craving for everything we see, and pride in our achievements and possessions. These are not from the Father, but are from this world. And this world is fading away, along with everything that people crave. But anyone who does what pleases God will live forever."
[1 john 2:15-17]
Amen.
The last series at my church was titled "CRAVE." The question Noel always used to ask toward of the sermons was, "What do you crave?" During the offering after the final week in the series, my fiance leaned over to me and jokingly asked, "So, what do you crave?" I couldn't tell if he was being serious because his tone led me to believe it was some-what mocking... just sighed and said, "A lot."
Which is true, unfortunately.
So I made a list. I crave:
-a job that pays money
-moving back to Lansing
-getting married
-watching ridiculous t.v. (a.k.a. numbing myself)
-clothes, shoes, things...
-being in full-time ministry
-being in full-time ministry overseas...
And why do we end up with all of these cravings?
It finally hit me.
I have been so idle- I haven't been filling myself up on the Word of God, on time with Him, on encouraging words and people who push me on in my relationship with Him. I've been leaving myself to starved and empty that of course I run to all of these other things to fill me and it just leaves me craving...
There are warnings all over Scripture against idleness- idle hands and idle words. Even the wife of noble character [Proverbs 31:10-31] does not eat the bread of idleness (and if I really want to be a good wife to my future husband someday, I'm not exactly headed in the right direction...)
So after my conclusion, and after discovering the true desires of my heart (obviously, not for the things I crave, but for my LORD and Savior to be my joy and my delight), I have been trying to be more intentional about what I am filling myself with. Filling myself with the Word and not endless hours on Facebook or watching Gossip Girl. (both completely fine things in moderation) Taking time out of my day for prayer instead of numbing myself with shopping for things that I don't need.
I'm working on it, but I've still got a long way to go.
"Do not love this world nor the things it offers you, for when you love the world, you do not have the love of the Father in you. For the world offers only a craving for physical pleasure, a craving for everything we see, and pride in our achievements and possessions. These are not from the Father, but are from this world. And this world is fading away, along with everything that people crave. But anyone who does what pleases God will live forever."
[1 john 2:15-17]
Amen.
Monday, June 1, 2009
glory
I'm always taken aback by the part in God's story where Moses tells God, "Show me your glory!"
First of all... seeing God's glory is a pretty big deal. No one has ever seen God this side of heaven in all His glory and lived. All of the awe His glory inspires... I definitely understand wanting to see it, but the other part of that event that blows me away is that Moses didn't even ask... he just said, "God, show me your glory!" It's more of a demand than a question.
Who in their right mind would demand God to show him that? Demand God, the creator of the universe and everything in it, to show him (His servant) something that no one on earth had ever seen and lived to tell about it because it's that magnificent... Moses obviously had the cajones to do it.
The question is why don't we?
First of all... seeing God's glory is a pretty big deal. No one has ever seen God this side of heaven in all His glory and lived. All of the awe His glory inspires... I definitely understand wanting to see it, but the other part of that event that blows me away is that Moses didn't even ask... he just said, "God, show me your glory!" It's more of a demand than a question.
Who in their right mind would demand God to show him that? Demand God, the creator of the universe and everything in it, to show him (His servant) something that no one on earth had ever seen and lived to tell about it because it's that magnificent... Moses obviously had the cajones to do it.
The question is why don't we?
Thursday, May 28, 2009
LOVE for the Word
I know I am not in God's Word as much as I should be (or as much as I would like to be for that matter...) but every time I get in it and read, I just fall in love with it all over again. I find myself thinking, "Why on earth am I not reading this more everyday?!?"
I don't know what it is exactly... nothing stuck out to me in a "this was totally written for me, for this moment..." type of way. I still have moments like that, but tonight, it was more of just an admiration. Just a sense of awe.
Tonight it came from reading Galatians 3- justification through faith. That we share in the promise God made to Abraham and are made right with God through our faith. God said to him long ago, "All nations will be blessed through you" (Gen. 12:3) That means us- the Gentiles. We don't have to be subject to obeying all the rules that come from the Law in order to be right with God, but it is by faith.
"It is through faith that a person has life." -- Hab. 2:4
That is what has inspired my awe and shown me over again my love for the Word.
I don't know what it is exactly... nothing stuck out to me in a "this was totally written for me, for this moment..." type of way. I still have moments like that, but tonight, it was more of just an admiration. Just a sense of awe.
Tonight it came from reading Galatians 3- justification through faith. That we share in the promise God made to Abraham and are made right with God through our faith. God said to him long ago, "All nations will be blessed through you" (Gen. 12:3) That means us- the Gentiles. We don't have to be subject to obeying all the rules that come from the Law in order to be right with God, but it is by faith.
"It is through faith that a person has life." -- Hab. 2:4
That is what has inspired my awe and shown me over again my love for the Word.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
walk by faith
Something that has been on my mind and my heart a lot lately- especially in light of the changes going on- is walking by faith. God's word tells us to "live by faith, not by sight." [2 Corinthians 5:7] What does that really mean? To walk by faith and not by sight...
According to one man, "faith is the confidence we have in possessing the things we hope for because of the promises of God."
[Martin G. Collins, Forerunner Commentary, "Faithfulness," August 1998]
So... we are to walk in the confidence we have because of God's promises and not by those external things that we see. But those things around us... they seem so daunting. The worries of how I'm going to get a job, where I'm going to get a job, when... what kind of a job it's going to be... when I can get into full-time ministry with the love of my life... All of those things can set up and take out eyes off of Jesus, off of our faith, what we hope for, what we live for...
One of my favorite reminders when we're being drowned out by our circumstances is this:
"This is faith- trusting God with my past, present, and my future even though logically, I should trust no one but myself.
But if I do rely on my own insight, I will spend my life risking nothing, depending only on what I can see and touch. I will be my own rescuer. I will listen to my doubts, debate God's ways, and cling to my own understanding- and suffer the consequences of these choices by dwelling in the wilderness, living in fear, and going under in the storm."
[Cynthia Heald, Becoming a Woman of Faith, p. 15]
Well I'm broken- but I still see Your face
Well You've spoken- pouring Your words of grace
Well I will walk by faith even when I cannot see...
[Jeremy Camp]
According to one man, "faith is the confidence we have in possessing the things we hope for because of the promises of God."
[Martin G. Collins, Forerunner Commentary, "Faithfulness," August 1998]
So... we are to walk in the confidence we have because of God's promises and not by those external things that we see. But those things around us... they seem so daunting. The worries of how I'm going to get a job, where I'm going to get a job, when... what kind of a job it's going to be... when I can get into full-time ministry with the love of my life... All of those things can set up and take out eyes off of Jesus, off of our faith, what we hope for, what we live for...
One of my favorite reminders when we're being drowned out by our circumstances is this:
"This is faith- trusting God with my past, present, and my future even though logically, I should trust no one but myself.
But if I do rely on my own insight, I will spend my life risking nothing, depending only on what I can see and touch. I will be my own rescuer. I will listen to my doubts, debate God's ways, and cling to my own understanding- and suffer the consequences of these choices by dwelling in the wilderness, living in fear, and going under in the storm."
[Cynthia Heald, Becoming a Woman of Faith, p. 15]
Well I'm broken- but I still see Your face
Well You've spoken- pouring Your words of grace
Well I will walk by faith even when I cannot see...
[Jeremy Camp]
Monday, April 27, 2009
life changes
April 25th, 2004
I outwardly showed the changes taking place in my heart. I was baptized at my parents' church, showing that my life was committed to the Lord.
I've grown in my relationship with Him and He's changed my life in remarkable ways.
April 25th, 2009
I said yes to marrying the most amazing man I've ever met. He's absolutely everything I have ever prayed for. God has used all of our past experiences to prepare us for each other. We know it's not going to be easy, but I am so excited to grow in our relationships with God with him and seek to glorify God with our relationship and our life together.
Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” -- Genesis 2:18
"And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord... For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church..." --Ephesians 5:21-22,25
So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep. While the man slept, the Lord God took out one of the man’s ribs and closed up the opening. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib, and he brought her to the man. “At last!” the man exclaimed. “This one is bone from my bone, and flesh from my flesh! She will be called ‘woman,’ because she was taken from ‘man.’” This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. -- Genesis 2:21-24
I outwardly showed the changes taking place in my heart. I was baptized at my parents' church, showing that my life was committed to the Lord.
I've grown in my relationship with Him and He's changed my life in remarkable ways.
April 25th, 2009
I said yes to marrying the most amazing man I've ever met. He's absolutely everything I have ever prayed for. God has used all of our past experiences to prepare us for each other. We know it's not going to be easy, but I am so excited to grow in our relationships with God with him and seek to glorify God with our relationship and our life together.
Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” -- Genesis 2:18
"And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord... For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church..." --Ephesians 5:21-22,25So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep. While the man slept, the Lord God took out one of the man’s ribs and closed up the opening. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib, and he brought her to the man. “At last!” the man exclaimed. “This one is bone from my bone, and flesh from my flesh! She will be called ‘woman,’ because she was taken from ‘man.’” This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. -- Genesis 2:21-24
Monday, April 13, 2009
monday syndicate
Weeks seem to be going by faster and faster. My spring break came to an end before I even realized it. Time to get readjusted to going to bed early because I have to get up at 5 AM and be a teacher again.
For three more weeks.
I have four days this week, then three days the next week, then four days for my last week. So really... only 11 more days here.
It's all coming to an end so soon... can't wait to see what new beginnings are in store...
For three more weeks.
I have four days this week, then three days the next week, then four days for my last week. So really... only 11 more days here.
It's all coming to an end so soon... can't wait to see what new beginnings are in store...
Saturday, April 11, 2009
the power of Christ
In Christ alone my hope is found;
He is my light, my strength, my song;
This cornerstone, this solid ground,
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My comforter, my all in all—
Here in the love of Christ I stand.
In Christ alone, Who took on flesh,
Fullness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness,
Scorned by the ones He came to save.
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied;
For every sin on Him was laid—
Here in the death of Christ I live.
There in the ground His body lay,
Light of the world by darkness slain;
Then bursting forth in glorious day,
Up from the grave He rose again!
And as He stands in victory,
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me;
For I am His and He is mine—
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.
No guilt in life, no fear in death—
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pull me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home—
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.
He is my light, my strength, my song;
This cornerstone, this solid ground,
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My comforter, my all in all—
Here in the love of Christ I stand.
In Christ alone, Who took on flesh,
Fullness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness,
Scorned by the ones He came to save.
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied;
For every sin on Him was laid—
Here in the death of Christ I live.
There in the ground His body lay,
Light of the world by darkness slain;
Then bursting forth in glorious day,
Up from the grave He rose again!
And as He stands in victory,
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me;
For I am His and He is mine—
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.
No guilt in life, no fear in death—
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pull me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home—
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.
Friday, April 3, 2009
the antonym of me
there's a song that has really been resonating with me lately... not really a surprise to people if you know me. Through music is one of the most real ways God and I communicate.
I am full of earth, you are heaven's worth
I am stained with dirt, prone to depravity
you are everything that is bright and clean
the antonym of me, you are divinity...
I feel like I am constantly being reminded of how dirty and ugly my heart can be at times. It's scary sometimes and I hate it... but seeing it in this light is helping me to hate sin more and more and instead desire holiness more and more. AND it keeps me in awe of God's holiness and the grace He freely pours out on us.
But a certain sign of grace is this
from the broken earth, flowers come up,
pushing through the dirt...
You are holy, holy, holy
All heaven cries" Holy, holy God!"
You are holy, holy, holy
I wanna be holy like You are...
There's something about that word... Holy. It's one of my favorite words to sing. God's holiness. like all thos places in the Word where it says the angels cry, "Holy, holy, holy!" all about God. I love it. Praising God for His holiness, with thankfulness for because He is holy, He makes me holy, too.
You are everything that is bright and clean
and You're covering me with Your majesty
the truest sign of grace was this
from wounded hands redemption fell down
liberating man...
Freeing us from sin. We are holy because He is holy. He covers the dirt and ugliness inside us and makes us PURE, CLEAN, and HOLY. Because of God's amazing grace, we get to be holy. It's not of our own power or deeds that we are holy, it's all Him.
But the harder I try, the more clearly can I
feel the depth of our fall, and the weight of it all
so this might could be the most impossible thing
your grandness in me making me clean
Glory, Hallelujah!
glory, glory, Hallelujah!
So here I am, all of me
finally everything
wholly, wholly, wholly,
I am wholly, wholly
I am wholly, wholly,
wholly Yours
The part that I most love about this song is how it gradually builds from focusing on our sinfulness, our faults, everything that is wrong with us in comparison to God's greatness, purity, and perfection to realizing what Christ did for us to praising God for how amazing He is and THEN being wholly, fully His. Only then, once we've gone through this process.
If you haven't heard this song, go listen to it.
"God has united you with Christ Jesus. For our benefit God made him to be wisdom itself. Christ made us right with God; he made us pure and holy, and he freed us from sin." - 1 corinthians 1:30
I am full of earth, you are heaven's worth
I am stained with dirt, prone to depravity
you are everything that is bright and clean
the antonym of me, you are divinity...
I feel like I am constantly being reminded of how dirty and ugly my heart can be at times. It's scary sometimes and I hate it... but seeing it in this light is helping me to hate sin more and more and instead desire holiness more and more. AND it keeps me in awe of God's holiness and the grace He freely pours out on us.
But a certain sign of grace is this
from the broken earth, flowers come up,
pushing through the dirt...
You are holy, holy, holy
All heaven cries" Holy, holy God!"
You are holy, holy, holy
I wanna be holy like You are...
There's something about that word... Holy. It's one of my favorite words to sing. God's holiness. like all thos places in the Word where it says the angels cry, "Holy, holy, holy!" all about God. I love it. Praising God for His holiness, with thankfulness for because He is holy, He makes me holy, too.
You are everything that is bright and clean
and You're covering me with Your majesty
the truest sign of grace was this
from wounded hands redemption fell down
liberating man...
Freeing us from sin. We are holy because He is holy. He covers the dirt and ugliness inside us and makes us PURE, CLEAN, and HOLY. Because of God's amazing grace, we get to be holy. It's not of our own power or deeds that we are holy, it's all Him.
But the harder I try, the more clearly can I
feel the depth of our fall, and the weight of it all
so this might could be the most impossible thing
your grandness in me making me clean
Glory, Hallelujah!
glory, glory, Hallelujah!
So here I am, all of me
finally everything
wholly, wholly, wholly,
I am wholly, wholly
I am wholly, wholly,
wholly Yours
The part that I most love about this song is how it gradually builds from focusing on our sinfulness, our faults, everything that is wrong with us in comparison to God's greatness, purity, and perfection to realizing what Christ did for us to praising God for how amazing He is and THEN being wholly, fully His. Only then, once we've gone through this process.
If you haven't heard this song, go listen to it.
"God has united you with Christ Jesus. For our benefit God made him to be wisdom itself. Christ made us right with God; he made us pure and holy, and he freed us from sin." - 1 corinthians 1:30
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
it's a winding road...
So much for updating...
It's April. That means only one more month here and this is over. ONE more month. 30 days. In 30 days we will be having a party in my honor. All day long.
This is good, because it's motivation to not burn out... AND motivation that this is the last month I have to make a difference with these kids. Just one more month...
I'm dreading conferences tonight, talking to parents.... BUT I did get some practice (or preview... :\) yesterday talking to a student's mom after school. Hopefully it won't be too painful, just long.
I know God has me here, going through what I am for a reason, but it's so hard to not want the time to just fast forward through this stuff. I know I don't want to fast forward through the lame stuff... I just want it to go by quickly without me looking at the clock incessantly. That's all.
Lord, make this day go by quickly.... teach me what you need to, but make it go by...
It's April. That means only one more month here and this is over. ONE more month. 30 days. In 30 days we will be having a party in my honor. All day long.
This is good, because it's motivation to not burn out... AND motivation that this is the last month I have to make a difference with these kids. Just one more month...
I'm dreading conferences tonight, talking to parents.... BUT I did get some practice (or preview... :\) yesterday talking to a student's mom after school. Hopefully it won't be too painful, just long.
I know God has me here, going through what I am for a reason, but it's so hard to not want the time to just fast forward through this stuff. I know I don't want to fast forward through the lame stuff... I just want it to go by quickly without me looking at the clock incessantly. That's all.
Lord, make this day go by quickly.... teach me what you need to, but make it go by...
Thursday, March 19, 2009
burnin' like a candle...
For me, one of the hugest ways that God speaks to me is through music. Not just praise and worship music, but a lot of times through music that isn't necessarily intended to be about Him. Most recently I've seen Him in "Candle (Sick and Tired)" by the White Tie Affair.
"I took a ride on a February morning,
just getting over it and dealing with the mourning,
I started thinking out loud,
'I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired...'"
Those words caught my ears. Sick and tired of being sick and tired... that's exactly how I was feeling. Who doesn't feel that way? With the daily grind of life... everything. Sick and tired of being sick and tired.
"My baby's flyin' off the edge of the road,
She's sayin', 'I'm so sorry about that note
that left me all alone...
But I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired'"
Isn't that how we feel sometimes?? When we're so sick and tired of everything, we just want to run away. Leave a note to everyone in our lives and just take off. I'd be lying if I said I haven't felt that way. Even recently. With feeling so drained and tired and not wanting to be doing what I am doing everyday (even though everything else in my life is going great) part of me just wanted to run. To get away from this mess of a "job" and escape it. Write a note to my loved ones and take off.
"Somebody turn the lights on, somebody tell me what's wrong
I'd be lying if I told you losing you was something I could handle
Somebody turn the lights on, somebody tell me how long
all this darkness will surround you, 'cause I'm burnin' for you
Burnin' like a candle..."
Those lines... the first one made me stop driving. Not only did I realize that I have an amazing man in my life who would indeed feel this way if I left, I also thought to myself... that leaving would mean abandoning what God has planned for me. And God loves me with an unfathomable, unconditional love... does He feel this way about me too??
The second one made my heart stop for a second. The man in my life is incredibly patient with me. He loves me and is seeing me through this difficult time that I'm in right now... But I know he's gotta be thinking this (or at least he has to have thought it at some point...) And I KNOW without a doubt that my God feels this way about me all the time. "I know this darkness is all around you right now, but I'm burning for YOU... I'm your light in the darkness..."
"Seven days since I've seen your face,
Seven nights I have laid to waste
I'm burnin' out now
I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired..."
Being away from the love of my life is sooo difficult. I know he feels this way about being away from me... so if my boyfriend feels that way about me... wouldn't God- the One who loves me deeper than I'll ever know- feel that way about being away from me, too? All those times when I push Him away or choose to spend my time doing other things... He's wasting away and burning out and sick and tired of being away from me....
"I know we're hanging at the end of the rope
We've flown too high, maybe swung too low
I heard her screamin' out loud
I heard her screamin' out loud..."
Times can be hard. Up and down. Too high. Too low. But my man is there with me, through it all. And he knows just when I'm feeling like it's too much to take. God fits that description as well, even moreso than the man in my life. Because He hears me whenever I cry out. He knows every tear I've ever cried, He's counted them all (and if you know me at all, that means A LOT of them)
You think I'm kidding around that this song is about God and His relationship with us? Check out the bridge...
"Think
of all the things that you say
what are the things that you mean?
what are the things that you say to me?
'cause
you're a tragedy
a queen for his majesty
all this blasphemy
your kingdom is crumbling..."
We're all a tragedy in God's eyes. Because we don't love Him the way He created us to.
But He's also the King of Kings. And we are the Bride of Christ. A queen for His Majesty. He makes us perfect to be united with Him through the death of Jesus Christ on the cross.
Blasphemy can be defined as "irreverent behavior toward anything held sacred, priceless, etc." ("blasphemy." Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1). Random House, Inc. 19 Mar. 2009.http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/blasphemy>.) In that light... a lot of the ways we live our lives (especially reckless running away from everything...) is considered blasphemy. A lot of the worldly stuff we get ourselves tangled in... the sin... it's all blasphemy...
Any "kingdom" we create for ourselves falls apart when we come to know God and His kingdom- the everlasting one- that all those who love Him will get to be a part of someday...
"I took a ride on a February morning,
just getting over it and dealing with the mourning,
I started thinking out loud,
'I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired...'"
Those words caught my ears. Sick and tired of being sick and tired... that's exactly how I was feeling. Who doesn't feel that way? With the daily grind of life... everything. Sick and tired of being sick and tired.
"My baby's flyin' off the edge of the road,
She's sayin', 'I'm so sorry about that note
that left me all alone...
But I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired'"
Isn't that how we feel sometimes?? When we're so sick and tired of everything, we just want to run away. Leave a note to everyone in our lives and just take off. I'd be lying if I said I haven't felt that way. Even recently. With feeling so drained and tired and not wanting to be doing what I am doing everyday (even though everything else in my life is going great) part of me just wanted to run. To get away from this mess of a "job" and escape it. Write a note to my loved ones and take off.
"Somebody turn the lights on, somebody tell me what's wrong
I'd be lying if I told you losing you was something I could handle
Somebody turn the lights on, somebody tell me how long
all this darkness will surround you, 'cause I'm burnin' for you
Burnin' like a candle..."
Those lines... the first one made me stop driving. Not only did I realize that I have an amazing man in my life who would indeed feel this way if I left, I also thought to myself... that leaving would mean abandoning what God has planned for me. And God loves me with an unfathomable, unconditional love... does He feel this way about me too??
The second one made my heart stop for a second. The man in my life is incredibly patient with me. He loves me and is seeing me through this difficult time that I'm in right now... But I know he's gotta be thinking this (or at least he has to have thought it at some point...) And I KNOW without a doubt that my God feels this way about me all the time. "I know this darkness is all around you right now, but I'm burning for YOU... I'm your light in the darkness..."
"Seven days since I've seen your face,
Seven nights I have laid to waste
I'm burnin' out now
I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired..."
Being away from the love of my life is sooo difficult. I know he feels this way about being away from me... so if my boyfriend feels that way about me... wouldn't God- the One who loves me deeper than I'll ever know- feel that way about being away from me, too? All those times when I push Him away or choose to spend my time doing other things... He's wasting away and burning out and sick and tired of being away from me....
"I know we're hanging at the end of the rope
We've flown too high, maybe swung too low
I heard her screamin' out loud
I heard her screamin' out loud..."
Times can be hard. Up and down. Too high. Too low. But my man is there with me, through it all. And he knows just when I'm feeling like it's too much to take. God fits that description as well, even moreso than the man in my life. Because He hears me whenever I cry out. He knows every tear I've ever cried, He's counted them all (and if you know me at all, that means A LOT of them)
You think I'm kidding around that this song is about God and His relationship with us? Check out the bridge...
"Think
of all the things that you say
what are the things that you mean?
what are the things that you say to me?
'cause
you're a tragedy
a queen for his majesty
all this blasphemy
your kingdom is crumbling..."
We're all a tragedy in God's eyes. Because we don't love Him the way He created us to.
But He's also the King of Kings. And we are the Bride of Christ. A queen for His Majesty. He makes us perfect to be united with Him through the death of Jesus Christ on the cross.
Blasphemy can be defined as "irreverent behavior toward anything held sacred, priceless, etc." ("blasphemy." Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1). Random House, Inc. 19 Mar. 2009.
Any "kingdom" we create for ourselves falls apart when we come to know God and His kingdom- the everlasting one- that all those who love Him will get to be a part of someday...
Sunday, March 8, 2009
questions, questions...
This past week on the way to work... I was asking myself why I'm doing this.
Why am I here? Why am I coming back to high school when it wasn't the greatest experience for me? Why?
I see so many kids that just break my heart. Mostly girls. I can see the insecurity in their eyes. I can see those ones that are looking to guys to give them worth and feel like they're something special. I can spot them so easy and it breaks my heart... because that used to be me. I want to show them that they don't have to do that, that they are worth something...
by teaching them Spanish?
...something doesn't sit right about that with me...
That's because the One thing that will give them worth... I can't talk to them about. That's why I don't think this is for me. Yes, being able to speak another language is an amazing skill and I think everyone should speak at least two languages... but whether they can speak Spanish or not isn't going to save their souls. It's not going to give them rest. It's not going to give them purpose. It's not going to restore them. No.
Lo que pasa es que... sólo Dios puede salvar y dar luz... yo, no... ni la capacidad de hablar otro idioma.
y te pregunto otra vez, Señor.... ¿por qué estoy aquí?
Why am I here? Why am I coming back to high school when it wasn't the greatest experience for me? Why?
I see so many kids that just break my heart. Mostly girls. I can see the insecurity in their eyes. I can see those ones that are looking to guys to give them worth and feel like they're something special. I can spot them so easy and it breaks my heart... because that used to be me. I want to show them that they don't have to do that, that they are worth something...
by teaching them Spanish?
...something doesn't sit right about that with me...
That's because the One thing that will give them worth... I can't talk to them about. That's why I don't think this is for me. Yes, being able to speak another language is an amazing skill and I think everyone should speak at least two languages... but whether they can speak Spanish or not isn't going to save their souls. It's not going to give them rest. It's not going to give them purpose. It's not going to restore them. No.
Lo que pasa es que... sólo Dios puede salvar y dar luz... yo, no... ni la capacidad de hablar otro idioma.
y te pregunto otra vez, Señor.... ¿por qué estoy aquí?
Friday, March 6, 2009
the weight of sin
"Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear and the burden I give you is light..." --Jesus, Matthew 11:29-30
Sin is an guly, massive weight to carry. Though we don't realize it while we're carrying it. The enemy tricks us into thinking only about ourselves, just for a moment... and when that sin goes unconfessed and unrepented of, well... it makes is easier for us to indulge in more selfish feelings and thoughts. Those thoughts turn to actions. The longer we go without dealing with it, the more it grows and the heavier it gets. We don't realize how heavy it is anymore. We don't want to let it go because the enemy has also tricked us into thinking that if we confess it, that will make things worse. So this big sin mess manifests and we're dragging around all this weight. And it's holding us back from living fully for God. From living in the freedom that comes from our faith in Jesus Christ.
I had forgotten what it was like to live and walk in that freedom. Until God worked miracles in my stubborn, selfish heart and brought me back to Him. I finally laid all the ugliness that has been in my heart the last few months out on the table. It wasn't until I did that... that I again felt that freedom that God brings through faith in His son.
So indescribably amazing.
Hallelujah.
"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." --Galatians 5:1
Sin is an guly, massive weight to carry. Though we don't realize it while we're carrying it. The enemy tricks us into thinking only about ourselves, just for a moment... and when that sin goes unconfessed and unrepented of, well... it makes is easier for us to indulge in more selfish feelings and thoughts. Those thoughts turn to actions. The longer we go without dealing with it, the more it grows and the heavier it gets. We don't realize how heavy it is anymore. We don't want to let it go because the enemy has also tricked us into thinking that if we confess it, that will make things worse. So this big sin mess manifests and we're dragging around all this weight. And it's holding us back from living fully for God. From living in the freedom that comes from our faith in Jesus Christ.
I had forgotten what it was like to live and walk in that freedom. Until God worked miracles in my stubborn, selfish heart and brought me back to Him. I finally laid all the ugliness that has been in my heart the last few months out on the table. It wasn't until I did that... that I again felt that freedom that God brings through faith in His son.
So indescribably amazing.
Hallelujah.
"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." --Galatians 5:1
Monday, March 2, 2009
somewhere in-between
would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in?
don't be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again
I don't wanna run away from this...
this is a more personal blog, where i wrestle through things going on in my head and in my life. i have been a little bit on my other blog, but that's more for teaching.
this is for my life. well... the rest of it.
making this has been on my mind for a while now, but i didn't know what to call it. then i got inspired by a series going on at my church right now- exploring the names of God and what that means in this unique time in history- the in-between.
more to come...
don't be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again
I don't wanna run away from this...
this is a more personal blog, where i wrestle through things going on in my head and in my life. i have been a little bit on my other blog, but that's more for teaching.
this is for my life. well... the rest of it.
making this has been on my mind for a while now, but i didn't know what to call it. then i got inspired by a series going on at my church right now- exploring the names of God and what that means in this unique time in history- the in-between.
more to come...
if i fail, well then, i fail, but at least i gave you something...
Oh, failure...
I'm not saying that I am one, but I definitely felt like one today. My head was definitely not in the game as far as teaching today. My heart was wrapped up in the ugliness of sin issues I have been stuck in. Wrestling with my thoughts. Not focused on teaching. Not really caring. Fumbling over my words.
Then I realized I wasn't giving them enough time. So I had to change things around, rearrange things a bit.... to give them more time. Then trying to figure out what I was going to do with them on the extra days and how it was all going to work.... overwhelmed. Trying to put together a worksheet last minute.... overwhelmed.
These thoughts of failure and this mess I'm concerned with... they are jailing. And it is for FREEDOM that Christ has set us free. (Galatians 5:1)
I am not a failure.
I am free.
Nothing is too big for my God.
I'm not saying that I am one, but I definitely felt like one today. My head was definitely not in the game as far as teaching today. My heart was wrapped up in the ugliness of sin issues I have been stuck in. Wrestling with my thoughts. Not focused on teaching. Not really caring. Fumbling over my words.
Then I realized I wasn't giving them enough time. So I had to change things around, rearrange things a bit.... to give them more time. Then trying to figure out what I was going to do with them on the extra days and how it was all going to work.... overwhelmed. Trying to put together a worksheet last minute.... overwhelmed.
These thoughts of failure and this mess I'm concerned with... they are jailing. And it is for FREEDOM that Christ has set us free. (Galatians 5:1)
I am not a failure.
I am free.
Nothing is too big for my God.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
closer everyday...
Break-throughs, break-throughs, break-throughs. My life is full of them right now. All over the place.
Breakthrough #1:
I don't know if it's just that kids are feeling more comfortable with me or what... but I have students asking me for help, letting me know when their confused, and asking if they can stay after school for help. Even one of my hardest kids who used to shut down when he didn't understand is asking me to help him.
Breakthrough #2:
I'm actually getting opportunities to talk about my faith with my family. It's not much, but... Garrett came to church with Ian and me a few weeks ago. Now he thinks church is cool... if he goes with us. Yesterday I was wearing one of my old bible study shirts that has, "We drink like fish" on the front of it and a verse on the back talking about the Water of Life and my step-dad asked me about it and what it meant- the phrase, not the verse- and I got to tell him, "Yea, the Water of Life! it's about Jesus, not alcohol." That might not seem like much, but it's HUGE.
Breakthrough #3:
This one can be interpreted a little more literal than the rest... the sun is starting to rise around the time I'm going to work again! So literally, the sun is breaking through. But... this is also a bigger deal for me spiritually because the sunrise is a huge way that I connected with God in the fall (see my last post for more) and with where I'm at in my student-teaching right now. The end is near and it's getting harder to want to be here and want to come and teach everyday... but there's only 5 more weeks till Spring Break... and then my responsibilities lessen... and I finish in the end of April. The end is getting so near. The sunrise is HOPE for me.
All of these break-throughs... bring me a little closer everyday.
A little closer to the end.
A little closer to new beginnings.
A little closer to salvation for my family.
A little closer....
Breakthrough #1:
I don't know if it's just that kids are feeling more comfortable with me or what... but I have students asking me for help, letting me know when their confused, and asking if they can stay after school for help. Even one of my hardest kids who used to shut down when he didn't understand is asking me to help him.
Breakthrough #2:
I'm actually getting opportunities to talk about my faith with my family. It's not much, but... Garrett came to church with Ian and me a few weeks ago. Now he thinks church is cool... if he goes with us. Yesterday I was wearing one of my old bible study shirts that has, "We drink like fish" on the front of it and a verse on the back talking about the Water of Life and my step-dad asked me about it and what it meant- the phrase, not the verse- and I got to tell him, "Yea, the Water of Life! it's about Jesus, not alcohol." That might not seem like much, but it's HUGE.
Breakthrough #3:
This one can be interpreted a little more literal than the rest... the sun is starting to rise around the time I'm going to work again! So literally, the sun is breaking through. But... this is also a bigger deal for me spiritually because the sunrise is a huge way that I connected with God in the fall (see my last post for more) and with where I'm at in my student-teaching right now. The end is near and it's getting harder to want to be here and want to come and teach everyday... but there's only 5 more weeks till Spring Break... and then my responsibilities lessen... and I finish in the end of April. The end is getting so near. The sunrise is HOPE for me.
All of these break-throughs... bring me a little closer everyday.
A little closer to the end.
A little closer to new beginnings.
A little closer to salvation for my family.
A little closer....
Monday, February 23, 2009
hope
"there is hope for me yet...."
well, I was dreading coming back to school today. partly because I slept horribly last night, partly because I know my heart isn't in this. I wasn't sure... how I'm going to get through... how I'm going to make it.
I was rather optimistic on my drive to school this morning. "Only six more weeks..." till my next break, till my responsibilities here will be lessening. It wasn't until I started getting closer to school that I could see it.
I turned going east and saw the sky lightening along the horizon. My heart jumped.
The sun is starting to rise earlier now. Soon, I'm going to get to see the sunrise on my way to school. If any one has been reading this since the fall, you'd know that seeing the sunrise on my way to work was one of my favorite things, one of the ways I experienced God.
After a long winter, those days are coming again.
Hope.
It gives me hope. And it could not have come at a better time...
The end is near. Two months is all I've got. And it's more than enough for the Lord to move in big ways.
well, I was dreading coming back to school today. partly because I slept horribly last night, partly because I know my heart isn't in this. I wasn't sure... how I'm going to get through... how I'm going to make it.
I was rather optimistic on my drive to school this morning. "Only six more weeks..." till my next break, till my responsibilities here will be lessening. It wasn't until I started getting closer to school that I could see it.
I turned going east and saw the sky lightening along the horizon. My heart jumped.
The sun is starting to rise earlier now. Soon, I'm going to get to see the sunrise on my way to school. If any one has been reading this since the fall, you'd know that seeing the sunrise on my way to work was one of my favorite things, one of the ways I experienced God.
After a long winter, those days are coming again.
Hope.
It gives me hope. And it could not have come at a better time...
The end is near. Two months is all I've got. And it's more than enough for the Lord to move in big ways.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
He is
In Exodus, God meets up with Moses for the first time and speaks to him through the burning bush. They begin to have this intense discussion as God tells Moses of His plans for him- that Moses is to go back to Egypt and lead His people out of their slavery there. Moses is so humbled at this and he says to God, "But who am I that I should lead Your people? And how will Your people know that it really is the God of their fathers who sent me? Who shall I tell them sent me?"
And God responds to this with, "I am who I am. Tell the Isrealites that I AM sent you."
I AM. Yah.
Lord of empty space
You breathe and then create
Before the earth was made
You are...
That's all that mattered, God saying, "I AM" and the Isrealites knew. And they had faith.
The King of every age
Outside of time and space
The heavens speak Your name
You are...
That should be enough for me, too, right?
The one who calms the seas
And every part of me
With just a word you speak
You are...
Being in complete awe of who You are...
Angels bowing down
Beneath the rushing sound
A voice that thunders out
You are...
In such complete awe of You that everyone knows...
The one who holds the stars
And the beating of my heart
Exalted above all
You are...
Being in awe of I AM, so my cry becomes You are! and all those who see know... He is.
so I give you all of me, for all You are, here I am, take me apart...
And God responds to this with, "I am who I am. Tell the Isrealites that I AM sent you."
I AM. Yah.
Lord of empty space
You breathe and then create
Before the earth was made
You are...
That's all that mattered, God saying, "I AM" and the Isrealites knew. And they had faith.
The King of every age
Outside of time and space
The heavens speak Your name
You are...
That should be enough for me, too, right?
The one who calms the seas
And every part of me
With just a word you speak
You are...
Being in complete awe of who You are...
Angels bowing down
Beneath the rushing sound
A voice that thunders out
You are...
In such complete awe of You that everyone knows...
The one who holds the stars
And the beating of my heart
Exalted above all
You are...
Being in awe of I AM, so my cry becomes You are! and all those who see know... He is.
so I give you all of me, for all You are, here I am, take me apart...
Sunday, January 18, 2009
new year, new...?
This year is starting off hard. Harder than I had anticipated. Which is adding to the frustrations I already had about coming into this year.
My clothes don't fit anymore because I've gotten lazy. Breaking that cycle and becoming disciplined again is going to be difficult, but I know that it will be worth it... and that I will be a much better person with the discipline of running and keeping myself healthy.
I also have 3+ more months being a slave to MSU and the school I am working at. It's incredibly difficult, considering I don't really want to do this for a career and the kids are relentless and not really wanting to learn Spanish.
These were frustrations I already had coming into the year.
Now... I started my last MSU classes to complete the internship. It's looking like a ton of work, all in preparation for getting a teaching job come summer. Which is not what I want. Not at all.
On top of that, my best friend is continuing her internship in full-time mission work overseas. And another good friend of mine has decided to pursue that as well. As excited as I am for both of them for being willing to go... it's so hard for me to sit back and be here because my heart is so willing to go, too...
I know that the Lord has different plans for me... and I have to just be patient and let those unfold... it's just hard.
New Year, new hardship....
learning to cling to the Lord more and more....
My clothes don't fit anymore because I've gotten lazy. Breaking that cycle and becoming disciplined again is going to be difficult, but I know that it will be worth it... and that I will be a much better person with the discipline of running and keeping myself healthy.
I also have 3+ more months being a slave to MSU and the school I am working at. It's incredibly difficult, considering I don't really want to do this for a career and the kids are relentless and not really wanting to learn Spanish.
These were frustrations I already had coming into the year.
Now... I started my last MSU classes to complete the internship. It's looking like a ton of work, all in preparation for getting a teaching job come summer. Which is not what I want. Not at all.
On top of that, my best friend is continuing her internship in full-time mission work overseas. And another good friend of mine has decided to pursue that as well. As excited as I am for both of them for being willing to go... it's so hard for me to sit back and be here because my heart is so willing to go, too...
I know that the Lord has different plans for me... and I have to just be patient and let those unfold... it's just hard.
New Year, new hardship....
learning to cling to the Lord more and more....
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