Broken

My favorite mug broke last night. I know, I know. Sounds shallow. But you don't understand. This was the coolest mug ever. I bought it at Starbucks about 4 years ago. It has the phrase "Good Morning" written on it in a bunch of languages. It held between 2.5-3 cups of coffee. We had some really great mornings, me and this mug. And afternoons. And evenings. But now, no more.

These concrete and tile floors have their downsides... There were so many little pieces that even superglue couldn't save this mug. But it's so special to me, I just couldn't let it go. Even though I'll never be able to use it for coffee anymore, surely I will be able to use it for something, right??

Even with the biggest pieces glued back together, it will never again hold coffee and share a morning with me.  It's broken. With pieces missing.

It's kind of like us. Sinners. Because of our sin, we've been broken. We may have (or at least feel like) pieces missing. From our hearts. From our lives. But that's okay. It's beautiful even. You know why??

Because God puts us back together and gives us a new purpose. Sure, we may never be able to hold coffee again, like we thought our purpose was. God finds a way to use us no matter what state we think we are in. Broken. Patched up. Glued back together. Still in pieces on the floor. God makes something beautiful out of us.

What Eve Alone Can Tell

This chapter delves into what can we discover through Eve about being a woman. She was crown of creation. She, too, bears the image of God. God created her specifically to reveal something about himself... That's a pretty big deal. There is part of who God is that he couldn't just put in one being, so he created two- man and woman. Counterparts, if you will. What exactly do the authors say he wants to reveal through women? That he is relational and has a heart for romance, he longs to share adventures with us that are not possible without him, and he has a beauty to unveil.

Eve was created because it was not right without her (Gen. 2:18) What was “not good” was the fact that man was “alone.” Women care more about relationships than just about anything else. Most women define themselves in terms of their relationships and the quality of those relationships. It's kind of funny to me because my good friend wrote in her blog not too long ago a post about how her friends make her who she is. She preceded to describe each of her close friends by her relationship to them, what they mean to her or how they relate to each other. Her relationships are important to her as a person, as a woman. Where does she (and we) get this from? God. God is relational, too. He longs for a relationship with us. 

Not only that, but  God wants us to love him and to seek him with all of our hearts. So we also desires to be sought after by the whole heart of our pursuer. I know that feeling well. After dating a slew of guys who I felt just liked to be around me, or carried me like a prize on their arm, or passively pursued me in a non-confrontational kind of way, I KNEW I would not settle for a guy who would not pursue me for real. The song, "For My Love" by Bethany Dillon became my mantra (if you haven't heard it, you should really check it out... it's also the song that I walked down the aisle to at my wedding) even when I had to cry myself to sleep listening to it because I wasn't sure that a pursuer like that was actually in the cards for me. 

The “help meet,” the ezer kenegdo- that’s the part of being a woman that really pulls on my heart strings. I've written posts specifically about this in the past. I remember the first time I read this book, at only 18, I knew that desire was what I had wanted and been seeking from guys my whole life. Sure, I wanted to feel wanted by them and I wanted to feel beautiful. But reading about how God created woman as a helper to sustain Adam… I felt my heart cry out, “Yes!” From that moment, more than anything else, that’s what I knew I wanted to be for the man in my life. Of course, it doesn’t work to be that for the wrong person. I also find it interesting that the word ezer is only used other places in the bible referring to God. That part of his image, that desperately needed help, he instilled in women. It blows my mind. And makes me feel like I need to do a better job of being that for my husband. After all, he did give me a great man to be a “helper to sustain” for. Women are essential and have an irreplaceable role to play. I know that’s how Ian sees me in his life. I just need to remember it in my times of doubt and failure. (or at least when I’m feeling that way…)

Beauty is the essence of God. Beauty is also the essence of woman. It encompasses the physical characteristics AND the soulful/spiritual ones. Beauty speaks, invites, nourishes, comforts, inspires, and is transcendent. I love how the author points out that the longing of women to unveil beauty is not frivolous (the culture or to get a man) but it’s in our hearts, it’s part of how we were designed. 

I love the conclusion for the chapter- making sure we understood correctly what they were trying to communicate about women. We are not valued merely on our looks or existing just to complete men. We are the crown of creation, created in the image of God. God longs for romance, God longs to be our ezer, God reveals beauty as essential to life. Because we bear His image, we long for these things as well. 

The Heart of a Woman, part 2

The desire to be "wanted" or "fought for" is definitely something I know to be true in my heart. Before I was a Christian, that desire had me caught up in so many stupid relationships and boys. I wanted someone to truly want me, not in a sexual way (though there was some confusion about how that tied in...) but I didn't know how to explain or express the true longings of my heart. And I was horribly too naive to understand what was really going on. Also, thanks to our awesome society of Girl Power and feminazi-ism, we are ashamed of that desire. We try to pretend like it's not that big of a deal. But the truth is...

It is a big deal. And pretending like it's not only causes us more pain and anguish than does actually accepting that we have the desire. It's not something we should base our lives around, but it IS something that should not be ignored.

I love how the authors say that there is something fierce in the heart of woman. I was always frustrated when I'd go to the Christian Bookstores trying to find a devotional and all of the books for men were hardcore and tough sounding, while the ones for women were sweet and gentle. While I may be described by those attributes, that's not all that I am. And that's certainly not how I want my relationship with God to be! Women like Esther, Ruth, Mary... they had irreplaceable roles they played in God's Story. They were not "sweet" and "nice" and "safe," they were passionate and powerful. No one else could have done what they did. As women, we don't want adventure just for adventure's sake (much to my wonderful husband's dismay...). We want to  play a part in an adventure that no one else can.
Something that blows my mind is how much my husband understands that. When I'm having my "I'm-such-a-failure" moments of doubt, he does whatever he can to reassure me that he picked ME, and there's no one else that he wants to or could do the things that I do in our life. He doesn't want to be living adventures by himself, he wants to be living them with me. I'm so lucky to have that.

Last, but not least, the beauty. As women we all want to feel beautiful. With the models in magazines and the characters on t.v. it's hard to feel like we measure up. It's an on-going inner battle. BUT the author made a good point, no matter how much pain or stress (or both) beauty seems to cause us, the desire still remains. It's ingrained in us. We were made to want to be beautiful.

Then they bring up the desires of the heart of MAN. Every man wants a battle to fight, adventure, and a beauty to fight for/rescue. Taking that in mind, you can see how the desires of men's hearts and the desires of women's hearts were meant to fit together... I wonder what got in the way of that... [sin]

The Heart of a Woman

A.K.A- Captivating, Chapter One.

The name of this book alone makes me want more, or want to be that.
cap·ti·vate  (kpt-vt)

tr.v. cap·ti·vat·ed, cap·ti·vat·ing, cap·ti·vates

1. To attract and hold by charm, beauty, or excellence. See Synonyms at charm.

2. Archaic To capture.

[reference from http://www.thefreedictionary.com/captivating]

What kind of woman would NOT want to be described as captivating? Not many, I would assume. This first chapter delves into how the God of the universe uniquely created the feminine heart. But first, it does a little back-tracking. The author(s) talk a lot about how we, as women, are confused by society and culture about what it means to actually be a woman. This is not something I particularly related to, but I can see how our culture plays a part in meddling with how women feel comfortable being women. 

Sure, being strong and independent is great. But that's not all our hearts were made for. Even the examples given in the bible, the greatest example being the infamous Proverbs 31 woman, we feel like we're given impossible standards to live up to. We feel like failures.

Now that is something I can relate to. Actually, the day when I went back to read this chapter I was feeling particularly failure-esque. Comparing myself to others and struggling with my own weaknesses, I felt like a failure as a Christian, a failure as a missionary, and a failure as a wife. That I am just not good enough to be all of the things I need to be, while at the same time the messy sinner that I am is too much for my husband, for God, etc. Not enough and too much at the same time.

What I was reminded of in that moment while reading was that God created my heart. The Almighty, all-powerful God of the universe created my little messy heart. And that my heart is a reflection of God's own heart (obviously not the sin that creeps in there from time to time, duh) And they [the authors] suspect that every woman, if she's really honest with herself, has the same three core desires as a result of how God uniquely created the woman's heart: to be romanced, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, and to unveil beauty.

To be continued in a my next post.

If I could adopt a child right now...

...it would absolutely be this one...

 

Her name is Fernanda. She's five years old and has one of the biggest smiles I have ever seen. She is at the Salvation Army Children's Home in the Venadillo neighborhood of Mazatlan. I met her for the first time back in January when we came down on an exploratory mission trip with our church.

That's her, holding the kitten. Even though the furry creature might not reciprocate the love she has for them (the home has 5 cats), it doesn't stop her from picking them up and trying to pet them. In fact, when one of the dogs kept coming up trying to get me to pet him and I told the dog I like cats better, she went off to find me a cat to pet. She carried one over that- stretched out- was as long as she is. With that guy settled on my lap, she went in search of another and brought him over to me, too. The same one, I believe, that's in the photo with her from January.

 That's Esmokín and the other cat, the kids did not refer to him by name.

It was so precious to see her carrying the cats with a huge smile on her face. And it spoke volumes to me that just by hearing some American woman she's just met say she likes cats, she would go off and find the cats. As we were getting ready to leave, it broke my heart to hear Fernanda ask me if we would be coming back the next day. Saying no to that precious face was hard, but I have hope that I will see her again.

How could you NOT want to take that home with you?!

I haven't posted in almost 2 months. So much for being a blogger. There has just been so much going on in life, I have a hard time sitting down to ponder through the things I am wrestling with.

BUT, one thing I am doing right now is re-reading through the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge with a good friend of mine. I read the book for the first time six years ago, but I feel something in me that is needing to be reminded of message in it, the journey of discovering the woman God created me to be.

I've been feeling like such a failure lately. A failure at being a wife, a failure of a missionary, a failure of a Christian... Now that I am in a different place in my life than the 18-year-old, sophomore in college Lisa, I need to figure out how to be that woman God has created me to be as a wife. This next phase of my life... because I've forgotten or don't know how to.

Hopefully through this, I will remember and learn. I'm going to be posting my thoughts as a re-read to help work through them. At least it will be something to keep me more consistently posting!