Change.

Living in a foreign country for some reason brings out all of the areas in which I suck at life. All of my insecurities and faults seem like they're just highlighted on a large billboard for the whole world to see. I know that's not entirely true, but that's what it feels like.

Whenever those moments come where one of those things is blaring in my ears, I just want to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head and hide. Or leave. Just pack up and get out of here and never come back. But running away or hiding never solves any of the problem. It only makes them worse and harder to get over later. And I know God's placed me where I am now, going through the things I am for a reason. To begin the work of surrendering these insecurities that have been hidden away.

The one that has been coming up over and over again since I've been here is the concern and security I have dwelt in from what people think of me. I don't want people to have any reason to think that I am a bad person. This also translates to me feeling like I need to be perfect and my desire to please people (or not let them down). I could sit here and go on and on about the reasons and circumstances that caused me to become this way. However, that does nothing to eradicate the problem.

Even now, as I sit with my anxious heart over situations that have occurred and may present me in an unpleasant light, I just want to pack up and leave this place. I'm crying out to God to take away the anxiousness in me and CHANGE me, because I need to be changed. I know that whatever I am going through needs to be dealt with. It's gone on too long and needs to be fixed, changed, removed, repented... And it is through being here, being in these situations that God wants to change me.

Being in this season of difficult molding and shaping is hard. I feel like Eustace Scrubb from The Chronicles of Narnia- the Voyage of the Dawn Treader, when Aslan changes him from a dragon to a human again. I can't scratch and tear off my own nasty flesh, only God can get rid of it and give me new flesh.

Change. New flesh. That's what I need.