Merry Christmas
Monday, December 26, 2011
Monday, December 19, 2011
New Baked Good: December
I found this fun little recipe from a cookbook that belongs to my sister (and somehow ended up in my apartment this holiday season...) It's a Gooseberry Patch cookbook called Christmas Cookies. Just flipping through the pages, the recipes seemed pretty easy. So before our family get-together at Grandma's this year, I whipped one up that was totally delicious:
Carmelitas
What you need:
18-oz. tube refrigerated chocolate chip cookie dough
6-oz. semi-sweet chocolate chips
32 vanilla-caramels, unwrapped
1/4 c. half-and-half
How to make it:
Slice cookie dough 1/4-inch thick; place slices in the bottom of an ungreased 9"x9" baking pan. Pat to make an even crust. (For the life of me, I could not find and 18-oz. tube of cookie dough, so I got a 36-oz. tub of it and spread half of it evenly in a pan instead)
Bake at 375 degrees Fahrenheit for 25 minutes. (I took mine out at 22 minutes because I was baking in a glass fish and it was already turning brown) Let cool slightly; sprinkle with chocolate chips and set aside.
Melt caramels and half-and-half together in a double-boiler over hot water. (This is the only semi-complicated/time-consuming part) Spread caramel mixture on top of chocolate chips.
Refrigerate for one to two hours; cut into squares.
What you need:
18-oz. tube refrigerated chocolate chip cookie dough
6-oz. semi-sweet chocolate chips
32 vanilla-caramels, unwrapped
1/4 c. half-and-half
How to make it:
Slice cookie dough 1/4-inch thick; place slices in the bottom of an ungreased 9"x9" baking pan. Pat to make an even crust. (For the life of me, I could not find and 18-oz. tube of cookie dough, so I got a 36-oz. tub of it and spread half of it evenly in a pan instead)
Bake at 375 degrees Fahrenheit for 25 minutes. (I took mine out at 22 minutes because I was baking in a glass fish and it was already turning brown) Let cool slightly; sprinkle with chocolate chips and set aside.
Melt caramels and half-and-half together in a double-boiler over hot water. (This is the only semi-complicated/time-consuming part) Spread caramel mixture on top of chocolate chips.
Refrigerate for one to two hours; cut into squares.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Home sweet home?
We are indeed back in Michigan. Squatting at our friends' house until we can get our furniture and move into our apartment, which we will have the keys for Monday. It feels so weird to be here right now. A weird I can't even describe. Maybe I'm just in shock of the drastic changes of events in my life over the last few weeks. Maybe I'm entering a honeymoon of being back in the United States. Or maybe I've just been changed forever and this is how I am going to be from now on?
Who knows? All I know is... it feels bittersweet to be home.
Who knows? All I know is... it feels bittersweet to be home.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
New Baked Good: November
Keeping in step with one of the things on my list of things I want to do during my 25th year of life, this past Sunday I whipped up some delicious No-Bake Peanut Butter Squares. Okay, so it's not technically a "baked" good... but it counts for me. I got the recipe from a wonderful website called What Megan's Making. Mine don't look nearly as good as hers, but I think they turned out pretty well as my first no-bake good.
I was really going for something easy that I knew I could find all of the ingredients for in Mexico. And something I didn't think I could screw up in converting measurements (everything is in grams here in Mexico and how much that is in cups depends on the type of ingredient being measured) Considering I've also ruined multiple loaves of banana bread, I didn't want to be over-ambitious with this first one. I most definitely will make these again. So delicious and easy!
One month down, eleven more to go! Looking forward to next month's baked goodness!
I was really going for something easy that I knew I could find all of the ingredients for in Mexico. And something I didn't think I could screw up in converting measurements (everything is in grams here in Mexico and how much that is in cups depends on the type of ingredient being measured) Considering I've also ruined multiple loaves of banana bread, I didn't want to be over-ambitious with this first one. I most definitely will make these again. So delicious and easy!
One month down, eleven more to go! Looking forward to next month's baked goodness!
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Kitty Rescue Mission
This is Fox.
We found him at Rancho de los Niños, much like our cat Mancha. BUT... this cat was apparently given to one of the kids from the orphanage while they were trick-or-treating around the neighborhood on Halloween. What kind of crazy person gives a child a kitten while trick-or-treating?! Is that a trick? Or a treat? I'm going to err on the side of trick. That person didn't want the kitten, so they gave it to a child.
Well... guess what? The Ranch didn't want the kitten either. He survived there for about a week, a tiny rack of bones, before Ian and I were offered the little guy. They didn't want him, and wanted to give him to us as a gift. We had gone back and forth about taking him home on our own, but had decided that it would be too hard for me to take him home, get him cleaned up, and not keep him. THEN when we were offered the kitten... I knew there was no way we could leave without him that day. This was not a new pet for us. This was a rescue mission. We got him all cleaned up, flea-medicated, food for kittens, and even a little bed to sleep in. Because he had fleas and we were not planning on taking him home, he stayed up in Ian's office. We did bring him down to play with Mancha, once the fleas were gone. It was fun and interesting to see how Mancha tried to get the kitten to play with him and, in spite of the size difference, how gentle he was with the kitten.
We found a great home for him (which actually was quite difficult- people in Mexico have a lot of strange stereotypes about cats) with a girl that is a friend of a friend at the church we got to down here. She and her mother love cats and were glad to take him in and off of our hands.
We only had him with us for a week and he hasn't even been gone for a week yet... And I kind of miss him. BUT I am happy that we did what we said we would do. Got him a bit healthier, kept him alive, and found a good home for him here in Mazatlan.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Waiting and praying...
Have you ever, after a period of intense waiting on the Lord, begging for answers, hated the response that you got?
This happened to me just the other day. After obediently praying and waiting on the Lord, he gave an answer that I was not expecting, nor that I thought I could handle. Okay... so maybe I wasn't "obediently" praying as I was selfishly crying out for the outcome that I wanted. So when the unanticipated answer came, I was not ready for it.
See, I had been planning out in my head how things would go next, when the Lord responded in the way I was expecting. But that didn't happen. The next few weeks of my life are not going to be filled with the excitement that I thought they would. But more waiting and praying.
I was expecting that, because the Lord is gracious and hears and responds to the prayers of those who love him, God would respond in a specific way to my prayers. I couldn't think of a reason why he would respond any other way.
This is where I made my mistake. The Lord does not always respond in the ways that we think he will. In my personal experience, he rarely EVER responds how I think he will. So why did I let myself give in to wishful thinking to only be so let down and disappointed by the response?
"Look here, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we are going to a certain town and will stay there for a year. We will do business there and make a profit.' How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like a morning fog- it is here a little while, then it's gone. What you ought to say is, 'If the Lord wants us to, we will live and do this or that.' Otherwise you are boasting about your own plans and all such boasting is evil." -James 4:12-16Ugh. Yes. Thanks, James. That is what I ought to say. Even though I wasn't saying it out loud, I definitely was telling myself the plans I had for me. This whole "taking-life-one-day-at-a-time" thing is a lot harder than I thought. At least there's still hope for change, right? I can get this right yet... Only trusting in God though. I will always fail on my own. Just need to keep in mind:
"The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps." -Proverbs 16:9
Thursday, November 3, 2011
25 for 25
I can't believe it's my birthday. Being in another country with the weather basically unchanging for months, it's hard to believe November is actually here right now. I got inspired by a friend of mine a few months back. In honor of turning 25 this year (quarter-of-a-century old... weird) I am making a list of 25 things I want to do in my 25th year of life.
1. Go camping. Like, really camping. Tent, sleeping bags, build-your-own-fire sort of stuff.
2. Take a photography class.
3. Run a 5k. I used to run a lot, but I've never done one of those.
4. Bake something new once a month. I find delicious looking recipes all the time, but usually fore-go them for more familiar things.
5. Visit wine country. Whether it's in Michigan, California, or Italy- I don't care.
6. Take a trip up to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. I feel funny that it's part of the state I am from, yet I have never been there.
7. Learn to make a French fish-tail braid. On myself. Might have to build up my arm strength before that will be possible...
8. Learn to shoot a bow and arrow. Inspired by Katniss Everdeen from The Hunger Games? Yes. Absolutely.
9. Take dancing lessons with my husband. (He doesn't know yet, but it's going to happen)
10. Go kayaking.
11. Bake fresh bread of some kind. Banana bread doesn't count. REAL bread. My stepmom got a special bread-baking machine as a wedding gift and I remember the bread she made being delicious.
12. Paint or somehow create a work of art. I used to do stuff like that all the time, as a kid.
13. Take a hot yoga class.
14. Visit my sister out in Seattle.
15. Help my husband brew beer. It's kind of more of a "guy-thing" but I think it would be fun to help...
16. Study the book of Hebrews.
17. Go to an outdoor concert.
18. Attend a midnight showing of a movie and NOT nod off to sleep during it. (Hopefully will be happening March 23rd, 2011...)
19. Spend less time sucked into the internet and more time actively doing things. (I may have to keep a log for this/to break this habit)
20. Go to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. Ian told me that we couldn't go until I read all of the books, well... I finished that before The Deathly Hallows part 2 came out in July so...
21. Make applesauce. My mom makes the BEST applesauce. I need to learn how to make it.
22. Attend a beer-tasting event.
23. Throw or attend a themed party.
24. Refinish a piece of wood furniture.
25. Go one weekend without technology meaning no cellphone, no internet, no computer, ipad, etc. (the camping trip won't count for this)
Here's to turning 25!
1. Go camping. Like, really camping. Tent, sleeping bags, build-your-own-fire sort of stuff.
2. Take a photography class.
3. Run a 5k. I used to run a lot, but I've never done one of those.
4. Bake something new once a month. I find delicious looking recipes all the time, but usually fore-go them for more familiar things.
5. Visit wine country. Whether it's in Michigan, California, or Italy- I don't care.
6. Take a trip up to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. I feel funny that it's part of the state I am from, yet I have never been there.
7. Learn to make a French fish-tail braid. On myself. Might have to build up my arm strength before that will be possible...
8. Learn to shoot a bow and arrow. Inspired by Katniss Everdeen from The Hunger Games? Yes. Absolutely.
9. Take dancing lessons with my husband. (He doesn't know yet, but it's going to happen)
10. Go kayaking.
11. Bake fresh bread of some kind. Banana bread doesn't count. REAL bread. My stepmom got a special bread-baking machine as a wedding gift and I remember the bread she made being delicious.
12. Paint or somehow create a work of art. I used to do stuff like that all the time, as a kid.
13. Take a hot yoga class.
14. Visit my sister out in Seattle.
15. Help my husband brew beer. It's kind of more of a "guy-thing" but I think it would be fun to help...
16. Study the book of Hebrews.
17. Go to an outdoor concert.
18. Attend a midnight showing of a movie and NOT nod off to sleep during it. (Hopefully will be happening March 23rd, 2011...)
19. Spend less time sucked into the internet and more time actively doing things. (I may have to keep a log for this/to break this habit)
20. Go to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. Ian told me that we couldn't go until I read all of the books, well... I finished that before The Deathly Hallows part 2 came out in July so...
21. Make applesauce. My mom makes the BEST applesauce. I need to learn how to make it.
22. Attend a beer-tasting event.
23. Throw or attend a themed party.
24. Refinish a piece of wood furniture.
25. Go one weekend without technology meaning no cellphone, no internet, no computer, ipad, etc. (the camping trip won't count for this)
Here's to turning 25!
Friday, October 28, 2011
Broken
My favorite mug broke last night. I know, I know. Sounds shallow. But you don't understand. This was the coolest mug ever. I bought it at Starbucks about 4 years ago. It has the phrase "Good Morning" written on it in a bunch of languages. It held between 2.5-3 cups of coffee. We had some really great mornings, me and this mug. And afternoons. And evenings. But now, no more.
These concrete and tile floors have their downsides... There were so many little pieces that even superglue couldn't save this mug. But it's so special to me, I just couldn't let it go. Even though I'll never be able to use it for coffee anymore, surely I will be able to use it for something, right??
Even with the biggest pieces glued back together, it will never again hold coffee and share a morning with me. It's broken. With pieces missing.
It's kind of like us. Sinners. Because of our sin, we've been broken. We may have (or at least feel like) pieces missing. From our hearts. From our lives. But that's okay. It's beautiful even. You know why??
Because God puts us back together and gives us a new purpose. Sure, we may never be able to hold coffee again, like we thought our purpose was. God finds a way to use us no matter what state we think we are in. Broken. Patched up. Glued back together. Still in pieces on the floor. God makes something beautiful out of us.
These concrete and tile floors have their downsides... There were so many little pieces that even superglue couldn't save this mug. But it's so special to me, I just couldn't let it go. Even though I'll never be able to use it for coffee anymore, surely I will be able to use it for something, right??
Even with the biggest pieces glued back together, it will never again hold coffee and share a morning with me. It's broken. With pieces missing.
It's kind of like us. Sinners. Because of our sin, we've been broken. We may have (or at least feel like) pieces missing. From our hearts. From our lives. But that's okay. It's beautiful even. You know why??
Because God puts us back together and gives us a new purpose. Sure, we may never be able to hold coffee again, like we thought our purpose was. God finds a way to use us no matter what state we think we are in. Broken. Patched up. Glued back together. Still in pieces on the floor. God makes something beautiful out of us.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
What Eve Alone Can Tell
This chapter delves into what can we discover through Eve about being a woman. She was crown of creation. She, too, bears the image of God. God created her specifically to reveal something about himself... That's a pretty big deal. There is part of who God is that he couldn't just put in one being, so he created two- man and woman. Counterparts, if you will. What exactly do the authors say he wants to reveal through women? That he is relational and has a heart for romance, he longs to share adventures with us that are not possible without him, and he has a beauty to unveil.
Eve was created because it was not right without her (Gen. 2:18) What was “not good” was the fact that man was “alone.” Women care more about relationships than just about anything else. Most women define themselves in terms of their relationships and the quality of those relationships. It's kind of funny to me because my good friend wrote in her blog not too long ago a post about how her friends make her who she is. She preceded to describe each of her close friends by her relationship to them, what they mean to her or how they relate to each other. Her relationships are important to her as a person, as a woman. Where does she (and we) get this from? God. God is relational, too. He longs for a relationship with us.
Not only that, but God wants us to love him and to seek him with all of our hearts. So we also desires to be sought after by the whole heart of our pursuer. I know that feeling well. After dating a slew of guys who I felt just liked to be around me, or carried me like a prize on their arm, or passively pursued me in a non-confrontational kind of way, I KNEW I would not settle for a guy who would not pursue me for real. The song, "For My Love" by Bethany Dillon became my mantra (if you haven't heard it, you should really check it out... it's also the song that I walked down the aisle to at my wedding) even when I had to cry myself to sleep listening to it because I wasn't sure that a pursuer like that was actually in the cards for me.
The “help meet,” the ezer kenegdo- that’s the part of being a woman that really pulls on my heart strings. I've written posts specifically about this in the past. I remember the first time I read this book, at only 18, I knew that desire was what I had wanted and been seeking from guys my whole life. Sure, I wanted to feel wanted by them and I wanted to feel beautiful. But reading about how God created woman as a helper to sustain Adam… I felt my heart cry out, “Yes!” From that moment, more than anything else, that’s what I knew I wanted to be for the man in my life. Of course, it doesn’t work to be that for the wrong person. I also find it interesting that the word ezer is only used other places in the bible referring to God. That part of his image, that desperately needed help, he instilled in women. It blows my mind. And makes me feel like I need to do a better job of being that for my husband. After all, he did give me a great man to be a “helper to sustain” for. Women are essential and have an irreplaceable role to play. I know that’s how Ian sees me in his life. I just need to remember it in my times of doubt and failure. (or at least when I’m feeling that way…)
Beauty is the essence of God. Beauty is also the essence of woman. It encompasses the physical characteristics AND the soulful/spiritual ones. Beauty speaks, invites, nourishes, comforts, inspires, and is transcendent. I love how the author points out that the longing of women to unveil beauty is not frivolous (the culture or to get a man) but it’s in our hearts, it’s part of how we were designed.
I love the conclusion for the chapter- making sure we understood correctly what they were trying to communicate about women. We are not valued merely on our looks or existing just to complete men. We are the crown of creation, created in the image of God. God longs for romance, God longs to be our ezer, God reveals beauty as essential to life. Because we bear His image, we long for these things as well.
Monday, October 10, 2011
The Heart of a Woman, part 2
The desire to be "wanted" or "fought for" is definitely something I know to be true in my heart. Before I was a Christian, that desire had me caught up in so many stupid relationships and boys. I wanted someone to truly want me, not in a sexual way (though there was some confusion about how that tied in...) but I didn't know how to explain or express the true longings of my heart. And I was horribly too naive to understand what was really going on. Also, thanks to our awesome society of Girl Power and feminazi-ism, we are ashamed of that desire. We try to pretend like it's not that big of a deal. But the truth is...
It is a big deal. And pretending like it's not only causes us more pain and anguish than does actually accepting that we have the desire. It's not something we should base our lives around, but it IS something that should not be ignored.
I love how the authors say that there is something fierce in the heart of woman. I was always frustrated when I'd go to the Christian Bookstores trying to find a devotional and all of the books for men were hardcore and tough sounding, while the ones for women were sweet and gentle. While I may be described by those attributes, that's not all that I am. And that's certainly not how I want my relationship with God to be! Women like Esther, Ruth, Mary... they had irreplaceable roles they played in God's Story. They were not "sweet" and "nice" and "safe," they were passionate and powerful. No one else could have done what they did. As women, we don't want adventure just for adventure's sake (much to my wonderful husband's dismay...). We want to play a part in an adventure that no one else can.
Something that blows my mind is how much my husband understands that. When I'm having my "I'm-such-a-failure" moments of doubt, he does whatever he can to reassure me that he picked ME, and there's no one else that he wants to or could do the things that I do in our life. He doesn't want to be living adventures by himself, he wants to be living them with me. I'm so lucky to have that.
Last, but not least, the beauty. As women we all want to feel beautiful. With the models in magazines and the characters on t.v. it's hard to feel like we measure up. It's an on-going inner battle. BUT the author made a good point, no matter how much pain or stress (or both) beauty seems to cause us, the desire still remains. It's ingrained in us. We were made to want to be beautiful.
Then they bring up the desires of the heart of MAN. Every man wants a battle to fight, adventure, and a beauty to fight for/rescue. Taking that in mind, you can see how the desires of men's hearts and the desires of women's hearts were meant to fit together... I wonder what got in the way of that... [sin]
It is a big deal. And pretending like it's not only causes us more pain and anguish than does actually accepting that we have the desire. It's not something we should base our lives around, but it IS something that should not be ignored.
I love how the authors say that there is something fierce in the heart of woman. I was always frustrated when I'd go to the Christian Bookstores trying to find a devotional and all of the books for men were hardcore and tough sounding, while the ones for women were sweet and gentle. While I may be described by those attributes, that's not all that I am. And that's certainly not how I want my relationship with God to be! Women like Esther, Ruth, Mary... they had irreplaceable roles they played in God's Story. They were not "sweet" and "nice" and "safe," they were passionate and powerful. No one else could have done what they did. As women, we don't want adventure just for adventure's sake (much to my wonderful husband's dismay...). We want to play a part in an adventure that no one else can.
Something that blows my mind is how much my husband understands that. When I'm having my "I'm-such-a-failure" moments of doubt, he does whatever he can to reassure me that he picked ME, and there's no one else that he wants to or could do the things that I do in our life. He doesn't want to be living adventures by himself, he wants to be living them with me. I'm so lucky to have that.
Last, but not least, the beauty. As women we all want to feel beautiful. With the models in magazines and the characters on t.v. it's hard to feel like we measure up. It's an on-going inner battle. BUT the author made a good point, no matter how much pain or stress (or both) beauty seems to cause us, the desire still remains. It's ingrained in us. We were made to want to be beautiful.
Then they bring up the desires of the heart of MAN. Every man wants a battle to fight, adventure, and a beauty to fight for/rescue. Taking that in mind, you can see how the desires of men's hearts and the desires of women's hearts were meant to fit together... I wonder what got in the way of that... [sin]
Sunday, October 9, 2011
The Heart of a Woman
A.K.A- Captivating, Chapter One.
The name of this book alone makes me want more, or want to be that.
cap·ti·vate (k
p
t
-v
t
)
To be continued in a my next post.
The name of this book alone makes me want more, or want to be that.
cap·ti·vate (k
pt-vt)tr.v. cap·ti·vat·ed, cap·ti·vat·ing, cap·ti·vates
1. To attract and hold by charm, beauty, or excellence. See Synonyms at charm.
2. Archaic To capture.
[reference from http://www.thefreedictionary.com/captivating]
What kind of woman would NOT want to be described as captivating? Not many, I would assume. This first chapter delves into how the God of the universe uniquely created the feminine heart. But first, it does a little back-tracking. The author(s) talk a lot about how we, as women, are confused by society and culture about what it means to actually be a woman. This is not something I particularly related to, but I can see how our culture plays a part in meddling with how women feel comfortable being women.
Sure, being strong and independent is great. But that's not all our hearts were made for. Even the examples given in the bible, the greatest example being the infamous Proverbs 31 woman, we feel like we're given impossible standards to live up to. We feel like failures.
Now that is something I can relate to. Actually, the day when I went back to read this chapter I was feeling particularly failure-esque. Comparing myself to others and struggling with my own weaknesses, I felt like a failure as a Christian, a failure as a missionary, and a failure as a wife. That I am just not good enough to be all of the things I need to be, while at the same time the messy sinner that I am is too much for my husband, for God, etc. Not enough and too much at the same time.
What I was reminded of in that moment while reading was that God created my heart. The Almighty, all-powerful God of the universe created my little messy heart. And that my heart is a reflection of God's own heart (obviously not the sin that creeps in there from time to time, duh) And they [the authors] suspect that every woman, if she's really honest with herself, has the same three core desires as a result of how God uniquely created the woman's heart: to be romanced, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, and to unveil beauty.
To be continued in a my next post.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
If I could adopt a child right now...
...it would absolutely be this one...
Her name is Fernanda. She's five years old and has one of the biggest smiles I have ever seen. She is at the Salvation Army Children's Home in the Venadillo neighborhood of Mazatlan. I met her for the first time back in January when we came down on an exploratory mission trip with our church.
That's her, holding the kitten. Even though the furry creature might not reciprocate the love she has for them (the home has 5 cats), it doesn't stop her from picking them up and trying to pet them. In fact, when one of the dogs kept coming up trying to get me to pet him and I told the dog I like cats better, she went off to find me a cat to pet. She carried one over that- stretched out- was as long as she is. With that guy settled on my lap, she went in search of another and brought him over to me, too. The same one, I believe, that's in the photo with her from January.
That's Esmokín and the other cat, the kids did not refer to him by name.
How could you NOT want to take that home with you?!
Monday, October 3, 2011
I haven't posted in almost 2 months. So much for being a blogger. There has just been so much going on in life, I have a hard time sitting down to ponder through the things I am wrestling with.
BUT, one thing I am doing right now is re-reading through the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge with a good friend of mine. I read the book for the first time six years ago, but I feel something in me that is needing to be reminded of message in it, the journey of discovering the woman God created me to be.
I've been feeling like such a failure lately. A failure at being a wife, a failure of a missionary, a failure of a Christian... Now that I am in a different place in my life than the 18-year-old, sophomore in college Lisa, I need to figure out how to be that woman God has created me to be as a wife. This next phase of my life... because I've forgotten or don't know how to.
Hopefully through this, I will remember and learn. I'm going to be posting my thoughts as a re-read to help work through them. At least it will be something to keep me more consistently posting!
BUT, one thing I am doing right now is re-reading through the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge with a good friend of mine. I read the book for the first time six years ago, but I feel something in me that is needing to be reminded of message in it, the journey of discovering the woman God created me to be.
I've been feeling like such a failure lately. A failure at being a wife, a failure of a missionary, a failure of a Christian... Now that I am in a different place in my life than the 18-year-old, sophomore in college Lisa, I need to figure out how to be that woman God has created me to be as a wife. This next phase of my life... because I've forgotten or don't know how to.
Hopefully through this, I will remember and learn. I'm going to be posting my thoughts as a re-read to help work through them. At least it will be something to keep me more consistently posting!
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
How much has changed?
Most times I feel so much disdain when I think back to high school. I don't like that I feel that way, but I don't like the person who I was in high school. So insecure, unsure of myself. I never had a group, I never really fit in anywhere. It wasn't all a loss, I do have one really good friend that came out of it. But in general, it was not a good time for me. I don't have very many good memories. But it's all because of me. Because of the person who I was back then. Putting value on things that didn't matter and desperately seeking love from boys that just wanted sex.
Sometimes I can't believe that person was me. I know God has changed me so much since then. Since that day I decided everything I had been living for before was not worth it and I wanted a life that was worth it. A life that's the only thing worth living for. I was filled with such confidence and joy. College was some of the best years of my life and they were that way because God was the center of them.
And now, what? God has blessed my life in so many ways. I married the man of my dreams. I'm living in a Spanish-speaking country, like I always wanted to. We're serving God, loving people... Yet I find myself falling back into those insecure ways. Wanting to be a recluse. Not having much confidence in myself to interact with people and make friends. I could chalk it all up to the fact that this is just my personality. I find more security in being invited to do things than inviting myself or inviting new people. I'm shy, so... whatever.
But I haven't always been that way. I haven't always been that way. I know that those things are not who I am in Christ. And since that's the truth... I can't keep being this way. I can't. I cannot remain the same, knowing how God has changed me.
Sometimes I can't believe that person was me. I know God has changed me so much since then. Since that day I decided everything I had been living for before was not worth it and I wanted a life that was worth it. A life that's the only thing worth living for. I was filled with such confidence and joy. College was some of the best years of my life and they were that way because God was the center of them.
And now, what? God has blessed my life in so many ways. I married the man of my dreams. I'm living in a Spanish-speaking country, like I always wanted to. We're serving God, loving people... Yet I find myself falling back into those insecure ways. Wanting to be a recluse. Not having much confidence in myself to interact with people and make friends. I could chalk it all up to the fact that this is just my personality. I find more security in being invited to do things than inviting myself or inviting new people. I'm shy, so... whatever.
But I haven't always been that way. I haven't always been that way. I know that those things are not who I am in Christ. And since that's the truth... I can't keep being this way. I can't. I cannot remain the same, knowing how God has changed me.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Fear of the unknown
Why is it that the unknown is so scary? The things we can't see, looming in the future...
Part of it probably has to do with the fact that we want to be in control. But how can we control what we don't know and what we can't see? That is where being in control and the unknown are at odds.
Me, I'm not exactly a person that can easily roll with the punches. I take a lot of comfort in knowing the plan, the back-up plan, and the back-up for the back-up plan. (Notice how I said, "knowing" not necessarily planning...) That being said, this whole living in a different country thing has been extremely difficult for me. Not knowing what to expect for most of our activities here has caused me a lot of unnecessary stress and anxiety... Or, I've caused myself those thing because of the not knowing what to expect. Even hearing the phrase, "expect the unexpected" I feel that prick of anxiety in my chest.
But why is it so hard for me to get over these tangible life things I cannot see when I, through faith (which is intangible), trust in a God, who I can't see, for my hope and my salvation?? Wouldn't that be even more scary than the other life stuff?
Actually, no. I may not have seen God with my own eyes, but I have seen the effects of him in the lives and places I've encountered. But, given this trust-in-what-I-can't-see faith I have, shouldn't that change the way I respond to the unknown that occurs in everyday life?
Why, yes. Yes it should. Because my initial reactions of stress and anxiety are proof that I am not trusting in that all-powerful God who I can't see, but trust with my soul. I'm only trusting in myself, what I can see, and not the One who has my back no matter what.
:: Dang it! I've been humbled again...
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Yet I still dare to hope...
A verse I have been clinging to this month is in Lamentations 3.
19 The thought of my suffering and homelessness
is bitter beyond words.[a]
20 I will never forget this awful time,
as I grieve over my loss.
21 Yet I still dare to hope
when I remember this:
when I remember this:
23 Great is his faithfulness;
his mercies begin afresh each morning.
his mercies begin afresh each morning.
24 I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance;
therefore, I will hope in him!”
therefore, I will hope in him!”
"Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this..."
He remembers the goodness of the Lord. His faithful love and unceasing mercies. That God is good to those who depend on him. That the Lord is good to those who trust in him and search for him. That no one is abandoned by the Lord forever. That though he brings grief, he also shows compassion and unfailing love. God allows these bad things to happen to us, but he doesn't want it to be that way forever.
For me, this month has been a lot of realizing my own faults and struggles. And the consequences of those faults- feeling like I am just abandoned in this wilderness with no sign of refuge in sight, questioning why God would ever bring me to this place if I were just going to fail. Seeing the areas in which I initially rely on my own strength and skill to get by... has been extremely humbling.
But that is why I have been clinging to that verse, "yet I still dare to hope..." when I remember the Lord's greatness and his love for me. That these things, these faults of mine that are coming to light... need to be brought there.
These sins and bad habits need to be brought to the light so I can get rid of them.
So I can become the woman that God intends for me to be.
So that my life can be a greater witness to the greatness of God and the redemption of the gospel. For this I will continue to say...
Yet I still dare to hope...
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
"He's a hurting child..."
This has been a phrase I've had to repeat over and over in my head a lot this month. It's something that I knew, but never completely understood the ramifications of until the beginning of this month.
You see... my husband and I are helping out some friends who have been in an awful adoption process for about five years now. It should be over soon, but the kids are a lot older now and have been really hurt from this process. They may not even truly believe that it's going to happen. It's this thing that keeps getting talked about, but it's not real. That's why we are here. In Mexico. We are helping to start the transition, helping to show them that it is real and they will get to be with their parents soon.
But people who have only felt hurt or abandoned their whole lives are hard to connect with, hard to get close to, difficult to change and accept change. They fight those feelings the only way they know how: trying to control whatever makes them feel safe.
While I am not a perfect person, I didn't realize exactly how unprepared and inexperienced I was for this task until we started to have problems. I trusted God to provide the tools and skills I needed, but He needed to show me my inexperience and unpreparedness before He could equip me better. I thought too highly of myself. I was trusting myself more than I was trusting God.
That's why I was hurt and embarrassed by his cutting, insulting words. A child's words. A child who has been through more serious and damaging things than I have experienced in my 24 years of life. He's hurting in more ways than I will ever know or understand.
Only the hand of God can reach that, touch that, begin to change that.
How dare I to even think I could do it on my own?
I am an arrogant, selfish person sometimes. Only the grace of God can make me anything else.
You see... my husband and I are helping out some friends who have been in an awful adoption process for about five years now. It should be over soon, but the kids are a lot older now and have been really hurt from this process. They may not even truly believe that it's going to happen. It's this thing that keeps getting talked about, but it's not real. That's why we are here. In Mexico. We are helping to start the transition, helping to show them that it is real and they will get to be with their parents soon.
But people who have only felt hurt or abandoned their whole lives are hard to connect with, hard to get close to, difficult to change and accept change. They fight those feelings the only way they know how: trying to control whatever makes them feel safe.
While I am not a perfect person, I didn't realize exactly how unprepared and inexperienced I was for this task until we started to have problems. I trusted God to provide the tools and skills I needed, but He needed to show me my inexperience and unpreparedness before He could equip me better. I thought too highly of myself. I was trusting myself more than I was trusting God.
That's why I was hurt and embarrassed by his cutting, insulting words. A child's words. A child who has been through more serious and damaging things than I have experienced in my 24 years of life. He's hurting in more ways than I will ever know or understand.
Only the hand of God can reach that, touch that, begin to change that.
How dare I to even think I could do it on my own?
I am an arrogant, selfish person sometimes. Only the grace of God can make me anything else.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Change.
Living in a foreign country for some reason brings out all of the areas in which I suck at life. All of my insecurities and faults seem like they're just highlighted on a large billboard for the whole world to see. I know that's not entirely true, but that's what it feels like.
Whenever those moments come where one of those things is blaring in my ears, I just want to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head and hide. Or leave. Just pack up and get out of here and never come back. But running away or hiding never solves any of the problem. It only makes them worse and harder to get over later. And I know God's placed me where I am now, going through the things I am for a reason. To begin the work of surrendering these insecurities that have been hidden away.
The one that has been coming up over and over again since I've been here is the concern and security I have dwelt in from what people think of me. I don't want people to have any reason to think that I am a bad person. This also translates to me feeling like I need to be perfect and my desire to please people (or not let them down). I could sit here and go on and on about the reasons and circumstances that caused me to become this way. However, that does nothing to eradicate the problem.
Even now, as I sit with my anxious heart over situations that have occurred and may present me in an unpleasant light, I just want to pack up and leave this place. I'm crying out to God to take away the anxiousness in me and CHANGE me, because I need to be changed. I know that whatever I am going through needs to be dealt with. It's gone on too long and needs to be fixed, changed, removed, repented... And it is through being here, being in these situations that God wants to change me.
Being in this season of difficult molding and shaping is hard. I feel like Eustace Scrubb from The Chronicles of Narnia- the Voyage of the Dawn Treader, when Aslan changes him from a dragon to a human again. I can't scratch and tear off my own nasty flesh, only God can get rid of it and give me new flesh.
Change. New flesh. That's what I need.
Whenever those moments come where one of those things is blaring in my ears, I just want to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head and hide. Or leave. Just pack up and get out of here and never come back. But running away or hiding never solves any of the problem. It only makes them worse and harder to get over later. And I know God's placed me where I am now, going through the things I am for a reason. To begin the work of surrendering these insecurities that have been hidden away.
The one that has been coming up over and over again since I've been here is the concern and security I have dwelt in from what people think of me. I don't want people to have any reason to think that I am a bad person. This also translates to me feeling like I need to be perfect and my desire to please people (or not let them down). I could sit here and go on and on about the reasons and circumstances that caused me to become this way. However, that does nothing to eradicate the problem.
Even now, as I sit with my anxious heart over situations that have occurred and may present me in an unpleasant light, I just want to pack up and leave this place. I'm crying out to God to take away the anxiousness in me and CHANGE me, because I need to be changed. I know that whatever I am going through needs to be dealt with. It's gone on too long and needs to be fixed, changed, removed, repented... And it is through being here, being in these situations that God wants to change me.
Being in this season of difficult molding and shaping is hard. I feel like Eustace Scrubb from The Chronicles of Narnia- the Voyage of the Dawn Treader, when Aslan changes him from a dragon to a human again. I can't scratch and tear off my own nasty flesh, only God can get rid of it and give me new flesh.
Change. New flesh. That's what I need.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Time flies...
Last week, we were hanging out with the jóvenes (the high school-age kids at the church we attend down here) and we mentioned that we will be here for 8 more months. Only 8. 8 x 30 = 240 days. Minus the 16 day trip we are making back to Michigan while we renew our visas and it's closer to 220. Sure, it's more days than we have been here, but it's not much. Not much at all.
Then Ian said, "Time flies!" This, being an idiomatic phrase, I wasn't sure if they would say it the same in Spanish. See, I had an entire class in college that talked about idiomatic phrases in Spanish and their rough equivalent translations to English. Because word-for-word translating phrases like, "don't count your eggs before they are hatched" it doesn't carry the same meaning. When I tried to describe the phrase to our friends in Spanish, one of them said, "¿Que tiempo vuela?" Vuela is third person of the verb volar, which means "to fly." It's exactly the same. Even though I've been studying and speaking this language for years, I still have so much to learn.
And only about 220 days to do it. (Okay, so that's not entirely true... BUT I won't be surrounded by an abundance of native speakers to help me learn...)
Sí, que tiempo vuela...
Then Ian said, "Time flies!" This, being an idiomatic phrase, I wasn't sure if they would say it the same in Spanish. See, I had an entire class in college that talked about idiomatic phrases in Spanish and their rough equivalent translations to English. Because word-for-word translating phrases like, "don't count your eggs before they are hatched" it doesn't carry the same meaning. When I tried to describe the phrase to our friends in Spanish, one of them said, "¿Que tiempo vuela?" Vuela is third person of the verb volar, which means "to fly." It's exactly the same. Even though I've been studying and speaking this language for years, I still have so much to learn.
And only about 220 days to do it. (Okay, so that's not entirely true... BUT I won't be surrounded by an abundance of native speakers to help me learn...)
Sí, que tiempo vuela...
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
I eat my words...
That's a funny phrase- to eat one's words. It means that one is forced to regret their words, or proven wrong. I know I can't speak for everyone, but I feel like this is something that happens a lot when it comes to my life. I say one thing, like, "I'm not ready for this..." and that's exactly what God puts in my life.
I only feel like I'm not ready because I'm selfish and stubborn and I want my own way. That's sin, isn't it?
And being a follower of Christ, I'm continually asking God to reveal the hidden sins in my head and heart, so that I can be purged of them and become more like Christ. So it makes sense that when I am faced with a situation where I am being stubborn and selfish that God would put the thing into my life that I don't feel like I am ready for.
At least where I'm at right now I am having an easier time accepting the humility I have to endure right now. It's one of those moments where I smile, shake my head and say to God, "Touché!"
There is talk of eating words in the Bible. It's in chapter three of Ezekiel and chapter ten of Revelation. Though the eating of words that Ezekiel and John did was literally eating God's words on scrolls and then they were asked to share it with the people. I don't know about you, but I would much rather be eating God's words than my own.
I only feel like I'm not ready because I'm selfish and stubborn and I want my own way. That's sin, isn't it?
And being a follower of Christ, I'm continually asking God to reveal the hidden sins in my head and heart, so that I can be purged of them and become more like Christ. So it makes sense that when I am faced with a situation where I am being stubborn and selfish that God would put the thing into my life that I don't feel like I am ready for.
At least where I'm at right now I am having an easier time accepting the humility I have to endure right now. It's one of those moments where I smile, shake my head and say to God, "Touché!"
There is talk of eating words in the Bible. It's in chapter three of Ezekiel and chapter ten of Revelation. Though the eating of words that Ezekiel and John did was literally eating God's words on scrolls and then they were asked to share it with the people. I don't know about you, but I would much rather be eating God's words than my own.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Who will free me from this body of death?!
So the trouble is not with the law, for it is spiritual and good. The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to sin. I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.
And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.
I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord.
[Romans 7:14-25]
Paul gives a great explanation of our struggle with sin. Wanting to do what is right, but still doing what is wrong instead- the war between spirit and flesh. I know, even now, that I am experiencing this struggle. I'm at the end of my rope, crying out, "What a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death?"
It's that last part I have a hard time recognizing, accepting, and moving forward with that- Thank God, the answer is in Jesus! Jesus has already freed us from this stupid, rotting body of death we insist on dragging around. It's done. And we have a new life in Him through the Holy Spirit- the counselor that dwells within us to help us fight. It's not something that we need to keep attempting and failing on our own. Because of God's love for us, we can win. Jesus already won the battle against sin for us. We just have to lay aside the selfish pride in our hearts and let God win the daily dissensions within to live a life more like Jesus so others will see Jesus in us and God will be glorified through us.
But we, being the prideful and selfish creatures that we are, fixate on how awful we are. How we can't get it right. How we just keep conceding to our struggles and brood over the messes that we are. I've been caught in a rut such as this for weeks. Months, even. I read this quote last weekend and it was a slap in the face:
Do you know why most Christians don't get any better or why you don't get any better? It's because you're doing it wrong, dummy! You are obsessed with sin and your faith has become another "system of laws" where you feel guilty and try and try and try to do better. Doesn't work, never has, and never will work. So stop it. Only really shallow people keep doing the same thing over and over again with the same result, thinking that the next time the result will be different. You're just making a mess out of it. People get better by obsessing on Jesus and his love…not by obsessing on their own sin and disobedience. That's what the cross is about, to wit, a covering for sin. So that's not the issue anymore. Not... only that, the imputation of Christ's righteousness to our account is a gift beyond measure assuring that God's anger will never be directed at us again.
And, by the way, an obsession with sin may be the greatest form of pride. Frankly, it is quite narcissistic.
--Steve Brown- author, radio-broadcaster and seminary professor at Reformed Theological Seminary in Orlando, FL
Slap. People get better by obsessing on Jesus and his love, not by obsessing on their own sin and disobedience. Ugh. Jesus, not me. My life is for Jesus, not me. The reason I am where I am and I do what I am doing is for Jesus, not me. My eyes should be fixed on Jesus and his perfection, not my sin and messiness.
That was a pretty good slap, and it just might be the trick...
And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.
I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord.
[Romans 7:14-25]
Paul gives a great explanation of our struggle with sin. Wanting to do what is right, but still doing what is wrong instead- the war between spirit and flesh. I know, even now, that I am experiencing this struggle. I'm at the end of my rope, crying out, "What a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death?"
It's that last part I have a hard time recognizing, accepting, and moving forward with that- Thank God, the answer is in Jesus! Jesus has already freed us from this stupid, rotting body of death we insist on dragging around. It's done. And we have a new life in Him through the Holy Spirit- the counselor that dwells within us to help us fight. It's not something that we need to keep attempting and failing on our own. Because of God's love for us, we can win. Jesus already won the battle against sin for us. We just have to lay aside the selfish pride in our hearts and let God win the daily dissensions within to live a life more like Jesus so others will see Jesus in us and God will be glorified through us.
But we, being the prideful and selfish creatures that we are, fixate on how awful we are. How we can't get it right. How we just keep conceding to our struggles and brood over the messes that we are. I've been caught in a rut such as this for weeks. Months, even. I read this quote last weekend and it was a slap in the face:
Do you know why most Christians don't get any better or why you don't get any better? It's because you're doing it wrong, dummy! You are obsessed with sin and your faith has become another "system of laws" where you feel guilty and try and try and try to do better. Doesn't work, never has, and never will work. So stop it. Only really shallow people keep doing the same thing over and over again with the same result, thinking that the next time the result will be different. You're just making a mess out of it. People get better by obsessing on Jesus and his love…not by obsessing on their own sin and disobedience. That's what the cross is about, to wit, a covering for sin. So that's not the issue anymore. Not... only that, the imputation of Christ's righteousness to our account is a gift beyond measure assuring that God's anger will never be directed at us again.
And, by the way, an obsession with sin may be the greatest form of pride. Frankly, it is quite narcissistic.
--Steve Brown- author, radio-broadcaster and seminary professor at Reformed Theological Seminary in Orlando, FL
Slap. People get better by obsessing on Jesus and his love, not by obsessing on their own sin and disobedience. Ugh. Jesus, not me. My life is for Jesus, not me. The reason I am where I am and I do what I am doing is for Jesus, not me. My eyes should be fixed on Jesus and his perfection, not my sin and messiness.
That was a pretty good slap, and it just might be the trick...
Friday, June 3, 2011
These are my confessions...
I suppose I should start with a confession.
I'm a floozy when it comes to blogging.
You could say I'm a promiscuous blogger. I mean, I've been around the blogging community. First, I had a Xanga or two. Then, I'm pretty sure I had a livejournal for a brief period of time. I've even had TWO different blogspot blogs (which I have recently imported into this blog- nice little tool they created) before this one. Then it was tumblr, which I started because a few of my other friends had blogs there, but I couldn't comment unless I had a blog there, too. So much for "blogging made easy."
Even now, I have two blogs here at blogspot. One is for the adventures in Mexico, to keep people updated one what goes on with us. This is the personal one. The one where I write my deepest, darkest secrets for the whole world wide web to see.
Okay, so not so much "deep, dark secrets" as my more personal thoughts and wrestling with God. The nitty, gritty working through the sin in my life and trying to become more like Christ. It's not pretty. But it's real. And in this world where people have so many avenues to escape reality, we need something real, right?
I'm a floozy when it comes to blogging.
You could say I'm a promiscuous blogger. I mean, I've been around the blogging community. First, I had a Xanga or two. Then, I'm pretty sure I had a livejournal for a brief period of time. I've even had TWO different blogspot blogs (which I have recently imported into this blog- nice little tool they created) before this one. Then it was tumblr, which I started because a few of my other friends had blogs there, but I couldn't comment unless I had a blog there, too. So much for "blogging made easy."
Even now, I have two blogs here at blogspot. One is for the adventures in Mexico, to keep people updated one what goes on with us. This is the personal one. The one where I write my deepest, darkest secrets for the whole world wide web to see.
Okay, so not so much "deep, dark secrets" as my more personal thoughts and wrestling with God. The nitty, gritty working through the sin in my life and trying to become more like Christ. It's not pretty. But it's real. And in this world where people have so many avenues to escape reality, we need something real, right?
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Matthew 6:25-34
I've become a gardener since moving here to Mazatlan. I'm still learning, but one of the projects we have undertaken here is assessing the sustainability of small, residential gardens. So, we have been growing cucumbers, lettuce, carrots, tomatoes, peppers, and green beans since mid-March. At one point, it looked like the only thing we were going to have produce fruit were the tomato plants. You see, a giant lizard got into our garden space and was eating the delicious leaves off of everything except for the tomatoes. Apparently, when lizards are desperate for food, they will eat vegetation. We did whatever we could to save those plants- concocted homemade pesticide remedies, ripped out thorn bushes to secure the fence better, covered cracks in the floor with mix&pour cement. It seemed like they were gone for good. One week they looked like this:
A few weeks later, this:
A few weeks later, this:
The plants looked dead for weeks, like they would continue to shrivel and die. But, then they started sprouting tiny leaves... and now, they have life in them again. This got me thinking... If God would revive and bring back these plants, how much more will He do for me?? He has adopted me as His own. I am a daughter of the Most High. This is Matthew 6:25-34 displayed in my life. And I am awestruck.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
The misfortunes of being an adult...
Here's a letdown that's been in the back of my mind a lot lately...
Remember the days when you were a kid and you just couldn't wait to be an adult? Thinking about all of the things you couldn't do then that you would be able to do someday... like see R-rated movies, buy cigarettes, vote, move out, buy alcohol, get married, make a life for yourself...
The things you didn't think about, though, were that we are not perfect people. As much as we screwed up as kids and learned from it, we would still screw up as adults. We will still make mistakes even when we're older. The only thing is... mistakes are a whole lot messier when you're an adult than when you're a kid.
Adult relationships usually involve more of a commitment- marriage and/or kids, sometimes just years and years of being together. That makes breaking up more devastating than losing your first love. A lot of times if there are not kids involved, there are at least pets. And it's even tragic for them to witness and go through the separation.
Quitting a job you hate has more magnitude than quitting a sport or activity you hated. Because now, as an adult, you have bills to worry about and rent/house payments, you have to buy groceries, gas prices are more than twice what they were when you started driving- and let's face it, our parents were totally right when they said, "Money doesn't grow on trees..."
And however you left your last job and your performance will effect your ability to get a new job. You need your past employers to be the references for you, to prove that you will do a good job. And the job market is so tight right now, everyone is fighting for work. You can't just easily quit and decide to do something different, like how you quit taking piano lessons so you would have more time for soccer.
No, the mistakes and the choices we make as adults have greater consequence than we ever could have imagined as little kids. And the repercussions as a result are more overwhelming than anything we have experienced.
Here's the beautiful part: God is sovereign and full of grace. Those two words are used in church and by religious people a lot, so let's break down what that actually means. Sovereignty is having supreme power, rank or authority. That means God has the right to do whatever he wants. Grace is goodwill or favor- something that is not necessarily deserved. So with God, this means he is full of forgiving mercy to cover our imperfections and our mistakes.
Even though we are adults and therefore not supposed to make mistakes, God is there to cover our tragic messes and forgive us. And this is where the sovereignty kicks in- he could do whatever he wants, but he uses the failures to show us how much we need him. Despite the fact that getting older has more downsides than young Lisa could have imagined, it's a very beautiful letdown indeed.
Remember the days when you were a kid and you just couldn't wait to be an adult? Thinking about all of the things you couldn't do then that you would be able to do someday... like see R-rated movies, buy cigarettes, vote, move out, buy alcohol, get married, make a life for yourself...
The things you didn't think about, though, were that we are not perfect people. As much as we screwed up as kids and learned from it, we would still screw up as adults. We will still make mistakes even when we're older. The only thing is... mistakes are a whole lot messier when you're an adult than when you're a kid.
Adult relationships usually involve more of a commitment- marriage and/or kids, sometimes just years and years of being together. That makes breaking up more devastating than losing your first love. A lot of times if there are not kids involved, there are at least pets. And it's even tragic for them to witness and go through the separation.
Quitting a job you hate has more magnitude than quitting a sport or activity you hated. Because now, as an adult, you have bills to worry about and rent/house payments, you have to buy groceries, gas prices are more than twice what they were when you started driving- and let's face it, our parents were totally right when they said, "Money doesn't grow on trees..."
And however you left your last job and your performance will effect your ability to get a new job. You need your past employers to be the references for you, to prove that you will do a good job. And the job market is so tight right now, everyone is fighting for work. You can't just easily quit and decide to do something different, like how you quit taking piano lessons so you would have more time for soccer.
No, the mistakes and the choices we make as adults have greater consequence than we ever could have imagined as little kids. And the repercussions as a result are more overwhelming than anything we have experienced.
Here's the beautiful part: God is sovereign and full of grace. Those two words are used in church and by religious people a lot, so let's break down what that actually means. Sovereignty is having supreme power, rank or authority. That means God has the right to do whatever he wants. Grace is goodwill or favor- something that is not necessarily deserved. So with God, this means he is full of forgiving mercy to cover our imperfections and our mistakes.
Even though we are adults and therefore not supposed to make mistakes, God is there to cover our tragic messes and forgive us. And this is where the sovereignty kicks in- he could do whatever he wants, but he uses the failures to show us how much we need him. Despite the fact that getting older has more downsides than young Lisa could have imagined, it's a very beautiful letdown indeed.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Why do we entertain tempting thoughts which are contrary to God's Word and God's will? Let's face it- we do so because we want to. We're not tempted by foods we don't like, by unattractive members of the opposite sex, by unwanted promotions, etc. Temptation's hook is the devil's guarantee that what we think we want and need outside of God's will can satisfy us. Don't believe it. You can never satisfy the desires of your flesh. Instead, "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied" (Matthew 5:6). Only sustaining right relationships, living by the power of the Holy Spirit, and experiencing the fruit of the Spirit will satisfy you.
--Neil T. Anderson, The Bondage Breaker, p.135
Quoted in Cynthia Heald's Becoming a Woman of Freedom
--Neil T. Anderson, The Bondage Breaker, p.135
Quoted in Cynthia Heald's Becoming a Woman of Freedom
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Ever since becoming a Christian, I've had an affinity for the song "The Beautiful Letdown" by Switchfoot. Everything about that song and the lyrics remind me of how I felt when I first decided to follow Jesus. And I feel like everything in my life since has been just that.
A beautiful letdown.
And definitely in the best way possible. It's a letdown because it's not at all what I thought it would be. But it's beautiful because it's everything that God planned for it to be- and THAT is so much more than anything I could have asked for or imagined.
I'll probably be writing about that from time to time here...
A beautiful letdown.
And definitely in the best way possible. It's a letdown because it's not at all what I thought it would be. But it's beautiful because it's everything that God planned for it to be- and THAT is so much more than anything I could have asked for or imagined.
I'll probably be writing about that from time to time here...
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
por el fuego será revelada...
Right now I'm doing a bible study called Becoming a Woman of Freedom, one that I did almost 4 years ago now with a good friend. Part of why I am doing it is because I know I need to be getting in the Word, which is something that I have sucked at, pretty much ever since I graduated college. The other part of it is because I feel like, probably due to the fact that I have sucked at being in the Word, I am trapped and stuck inside of myself, stuck inside all of these bad habits that I have developed and I just want to be FREE of them, and free to be the woman that God created me to be...
Whenever I think about this study and what I'm learning, I hear the song, "Free" by Shawn McDonald (which I am conveniently listening to now).
Anyway, this chapter I'm working through this week is about being free from busyness. I wouldn't necessarily say that I am "busy" a lot, but I definitely fill my time and my day with things that probably not really good for anything. This was brought to my attention by scripture from 1 Corinthians 3:
Because of God’s grace to me, I have laid the foundation like an expert builder. Now others are building on it. But whoever is building on this foundation must be very careful. For no one can lay any foundation other than the one we already have—Jesus Christ.
Anyone who builds on that foundation may use a variety of materials—gold, silver, jewels, wood, hay, or straw. But on the judgment day, fire will reveal what kind of work each builder has done. The fire will show if a person’s work has any value. If the work survives, that builder will receive a reward. But if the work is burned up, the builder will suffer great loss. The builder will be saved, but like someone barely escaping through a wall of flames.
(vv. 10-15, New Living Translation)
With how I am spending my time, am I building with materials that will last? Or just fluff materials to make it look like I am building, but will be burned up in the flames? Why would I want to build my life and my days with things that will just barely allow me to get past the fire?
The problem is, I know I spend too much time on things that don't really matter. I'm trying desperately to cling to a life that's not mine, a life of what 'was,' because I'm so afraid that I will lose people I have grown to love if they aren't reminded of me often. But in doing so, I know I'm not doing my best to honor God with this opportunity he has blessed me with. And I know that I am missing out on this new life He has blessed me with.
I just want to be free. And I want what I build here and with my life to LAST through the fire...
Whenever I think about this study and what I'm learning, I hear the song, "Free" by Shawn McDonald (which I am conveniently listening to now).
Anyway, this chapter I'm working through this week is about being free from busyness. I wouldn't necessarily say that I am "busy" a lot, but I definitely fill my time and my day with things that probably not really good for anything. This was brought to my attention by scripture from 1 Corinthians 3:
Because of God’s grace to me, I have laid the foundation like an expert builder. Now others are building on it. But whoever is building on this foundation must be very careful. For no one can lay any foundation other than the one we already have—Jesus Christ.
Anyone who builds on that foundation may use a variety of materials—gold, silver, jewels, wood, hay, or straw. But on the judgment day, fire will reveal what kind of work each builder has done. The fire will show if a person’s work has any value. If the work survives, that builder will receive a reward. But if the work is burned up, the builder will suffer great loss. The builder will be saved, but like someone barely escaping through a wall of flames.
(vv. 10-15, New Living Translation)
With how I am spending my time, am I building with materials that will last? Or just fluff materials to make it look like I am building, but will be burned up in the flames? Why would I want to build my life and my days with things that will just barely allow me to get past the fire?
The problem is, I know I spend too much time on things that don't really matter. I'm trying desperately to cling to a life that's not mine, a life of what 'was,' because I'm so afraid that I will lose people I have grown to love if they aren't reminded of me often. But in doing so, I know I'm not doing my best to honor God with this opportunity he has blessed me with. And I know that I am missing out on this new life He has blessed me with.
I just want to be free. And I want what I build here and with my life to LAST through the fire...
Thursday, March 31, 2011
ya pasó un mes??
We have been gone for a month already. Some moments I feel like I can't believe it's been that long already, yet others I can't believe it's ONLY been a month.
It's crazy that there's still all so much going on at home. Everyone's lives are still going on. Church is still going on. And so much is going on here. I mean, I knew it would be this way. I guess I just didn't have a concept of what that would be like. What it was like for my best friend to not physically be here to celebrate me getting engaged, to not be here for my bridal showers or bachelorette party...
In the midst of realizing all that I am missing, I also recall that I have a hard time not being in my head too much. I am constantly thinking and planning and focusing on the future, it causes me to miss out on a lot of what is going on around me and actually EXPERIENCING life.
We have this amazing opportunity these next 11 months here in Mazatlan. I don't want to miss it because I'm not all here.
It's crazy that there's still all so much going on at home. Everyone's lives are still going on. Church is still going on. And so much is going on here. I mean, I knew it would be this way. I guess I just didn't have a concept of what that would be like. What it was like for my best friend to not physically be here to celebrate me getting engaged, to not be here for my bridal showers or bachelorette party...
In the midst of realizing all that I am missing, I also recall that I have a hard time not being in my head too much. I am constantly thinking and planning and focusing on the future, it causes me to miss out on a lot of what is going on around me and actually EXPERIENCING life.
We have this amazing opportunity these next 11 months here in Mazatlan. I don't want to miss it because I'm not all here.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
como firme y segura ancla para el alma...
We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain...
-Hebrews 6:19
The hope that is being talked about here is the hope we have through Christ death on the cross. The hope of being heirs to the kingdom of heaven along with Jesus.
When we were in college, one of my best friends (still to this day) meditated on this verse daily during our last year. I always thought it was a great verse, but I never quite felt it in my soul like she did. That is until my life turned upside down when we moved to Mexico.
I've been recalling this verse a lot as we are put in situations that challenge and test our patience, at times when I feel like there is so much chaos and unknown... This verse reminds me of why I am here, why we are living this crazy adventure. It brings me calm and comfort and back to the reality of my life and purpose.
An anchor for my soul... I need that aquí.
-Hebrews 6:19
The hope that is being talked about here is the hope we have through Christ death on the cross. The hope of being heirs to the kingdom of heaven along with Jesus.
When we were in college, one of my best friends (still to this day) meditated on this verse daily during our last year. I always thought it was a great verse, but I never quite felt it in my soul like she did. That is until my life turned upside down when we moved to Mexico.
I've been recalling this verse a lot as we are put in situations that challenge and test our patience, at times when I feel like there is so much chaos and unknown... This verse reminds me of why I am here, why we are living this crazy adventure. It brings me calm and comfort and back to the reality of my life and purpose.
An anchor for my soul... I need that aquí.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Y vivieron felices y comieron perdices...
Above is the Spanish equivalent for the phrase, "And they lived happily ever after."
This morning, I was listening to a song called, "Happily Ever After" by He is She. The girl sings, "Skip to the ending, oh author of the moment, do I end up happy?"
Hearing these words, I realized that without Christ as the center of one's life, I'm sure that's something people think about a lot. As Christians, we have a joy that comes from God. Joy is different than happiness. Joy is a deeply-resonating contentment and peace of the heart that comes from trusting God in the midst of circumstances and the external things of life.
I don't know about you, but I would take that over happiness any day.
But without God, it's impossible to experience this. Without God, of course one wants to be happy. That's one of the main goals for people's lives. Being happy.
I realized this morning, being happy isn't something I am really concerned about. My focus and my delight is in the Lord, which gives more greater and satisfying things than being happy. He gives me salvation, though it's something I sure don't deserve. He chose me for a purpose, to be one of his own, and he loves me with an everlasting, unconditional love that is too great for me to comprehend.
That is far better than just being happy. That is the source of my joy.
Amen.
This morning, I was listening to a song called, "Happily Ever After" by He is She. The girl sings, "Skip to the ending, oh author of the moment, do I end up happy?"
Hearing these words, I realized that without Christ as the center of one's life, I'm sure that's something people think about a lot. As Christians, we have a joy that comes from God. Joy is different than happiness. Joy is a deeply-resonating contentment and peace of the heart that comes from trusting God in the midst of circumstances and the external things of life.
I don't know about you, but I would take that over happiness any day.
But without God, it's impossible to experience this. Without God, of course one wants to be happy. That's one of the main goals for people's lives. Being happy.
I realized this morning, being happy isn't something I am really concerned about. My focus and my delight is in the Lord, which gives more greater and satisfying things than being happy. He gives me salvation, though it's something I sure don't deserve. He chose me for a purpose, to be one of his own, and he loves me with an everlasting, unconditional love that is too great for me to comprehend.
That is far better than just being happy. That is the source of my joy.
Amen.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Jamás seré igual.
Just finished our third day of driving on our epic road trip to Mazatlan. It almost doesn't feel real.
It's still strange to me that we have our entire life in our car, driving to places we have never been, to end up in a home that we've never seen before.
It hasn't fully hit me yet. And I'm not sure that it's going to until I'm standing on the beach, staring at the Pacific Ocean, calling it home.
Or maybe my contented, calm disposition stems from the fact that this is exactly what God has been preparing us for. This is what he has had in store for us all along and the Holy Spirit in me is confirming it.
We'll see what happens when we get to the beach, but I'm pretty sure my latter conclusion is right.
I do know one thing for sure... Jamás seré igual.
Jamás seré igual.
It's still strange to me that we have our entire life in our car, driving to places we have never been, to end up in a home that we've never seen before.
It hasn't fully hit me yet. And I'm not sure that it's going to until I'm standing on the beach, staring at the Pacific Ocean, calling it home.
Or maybe my contented, calm disposition stems from the fact that this is exactly what God has been preparing us for. This is what he has had in store for us all along and the Holy Spirit in me is confirming it.
We'll see what happens when we get to the beach, but I'm pretty sure my latter conclusion is right.
I do know one thing for sure... Jamás seré igual.
Jamás seré igual.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Justicia/Misericordia
We can't be oblivious
We are not ignorant
Blood in our hearts
Blood on our hands
We're human, we reason
We're breathing, protecting
You're living and dying, surviving,
we're trying to breathe in safety
Come home safely
Mercy screams its violent love
Justice and mercy...
The death of us created for
Justice and mercy...
This is where they kiss
Life, here sacrificed
Someone who payed the price
Blood in our hearts
Blood on our hands
We cry out, we're fighting, it's warfare, we're dying
Believing we're winning, it's ending, we're singing
It's already done, we've overcome
Mercy screams its violent love
Justice and mercy...
The death of us created for
Justice and mercy...
This is where they kiss
With a life on the line (the fire)
That consumes or refines (the fire)
To ascend or decline
To retreat or to climb
Out of sight, out of mind
'til attacked from behind
Will this fire..
Consume or refine?
Mercy screams its violent love
Justice and mercy...
The death of us created for
Justice and mercy...
This is where they kiss
"Justice and Mercy"- Flyleaf
We are not ignorant
Blood in our hearts
Blood on our hands
We're human, we reason
We're breathing, protecting
You're living and dying, surviving,
we're trying to breathe in safety
Come home safely
Mercy screams its violent love
Justice and mercy...
The death of us created for
Justice and mercy...
This is where they kiss
Life, here sacrificed
Someone who payed the price
Blood in our hearts
Blood on our hands
We cry out, we're fighting, it's warfare, we're dying
Believing we're winning, it's ending, we're singing
It's already done, we've overcome
Mercy screams its violent love
Justice and mercy...
The death of us created for
Justice and mercy...
This is where they kiss
With a life on the line (the fire)
That consumes or refines (the fire)
To ascend or decline
To retreat or to climb
Out of sight, out of mind
'til attacked from behind
Will this fire..
Consume or refine?
Mercy screams its violent love
Justice and mercy...
The death of us created for
Justice and mercy...
This is where they kiss
"Justice and Mercy"- Flyleaf
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